“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”
~A.A. Milne, from "Winnie the Pooh"

Friday, May 20, 2011

And Then a Song Speaks to My Heart....

Dearest Lydia,
A few days ago, I was looking through all the loose c.d.s that Daddy and I have laying around, looking for (haha I'm sort of embarrassed to admit this) my copy of Jeopardy for the computer. Long story short,  I never found what I was looking for, but I DID find quite a few of my old music c.d.s. How excited was I to find some of my favorites! I grabbed them up and put them in the car.
This morning while driving home from dropping Caleb off at school, I popped in my very favorite, "The Crow" soundtrack. As you will learn as you get older, Mommy has a VERY eclectic mix of music. I have had a passion for all sorts of different types since I was very young. I have a ridiculous amount of music knowledge bouncing around in my head, including an impressive data base of lyrics. haha. I adore lyrics. Every once in a while, there is that ONE song (or many in my case) that speaks to your heart at exactly the right moment and says what you never had the words to say just right. Once you listen to music that way, with your very spirit, there's no way that you don't fall in love with a song, no matter the genre. I find that I simply love music for itself, open heartedly, without reservation about what the world thinks of it.

As I neared home, the c.d. came to its end. There, tucked into the final strains of a rockin' c.d. was one of those songs. "The Crow" was one of my favorite movies when I was young, not because of the violence but because some of the things that were expressed in that movie changed my life in some small way. (Strange, I know..but I am a little off! lol) The one line that stuck with me was by Eric, when he smiled and said, shrugging his shoulders, "It won't rain all the time." While he was talking partially about Seattle's rainy weather, that simple line meant so much more to me. You see, I have stood in the proverbial rain, cold, lonely, hopeless and so overwhelmed by the world that it seemed the rain wold never end; I would never see the sun shine again. And that line brought to mind the rainbow (which I already discussed with you earlier). AS I said then, I believe that a rainbow is there when you least expect it. A sudden, glorious reminder that God is leaning down, shrugging His shoulders, with that little smile, and says, "Huh. I told you it won't rain all the time." Once I started paying attention to what He was telling me, every time there's a rainbow, I see one every single time that I need a reminder....like He paints them across the sky, just for me!

The words to the song that goes with the movie line, "It Can't Rain All the Time" by Jane Siberry, resonated with me. They did for a completely different reason back then, than they did this morning. I probably have listened to that song a thousand times. This morning I got a reminder of how beautiful that song is, and why I love it so much. Every once in a while, its good to walk back through the emotions of yesterday, so that you can remain focused on today. A little weird but let me try to explain. It is a good thing to remind yourself of how far you have come, of the painful things in your past which have changed you in a myriad of ways. I am often ugly when I am hurting, and the line between darkness and light usually begins to blur. I often fall into feeling sorry for myself for a while, sometimes even a long while, until I catch a glimpse of that rainbow. As I get older, I get better and better at pulling myself up by my boot straps, just doing what has to be done, without the endless wallowing in the shadows. But it's always good for me to remember that I have that tendency so that when those old demons come to call, I'm ready to banish them away quickly.

The words of this beautiful song, especially the first few verses, say all it takes to take me to that place and then stand me promptly back into the sun, which is right where I need to be! :)

~"We walked the narrow path,
beneath the smoking skies.
Sometimes you can barely tell the difference
between darkness and light.
Do you have faith
in what we believe?
The truest test is when we cannot,
when we cannot see.
I hear pounding feet in the,
in the streets below, and the,
and the women crying and the,
and the children know that there,
that there's something wrong,
and it's hard to believe that love will prevail.

Oh it won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall forever."~
~Jane Siberry

Truer words have never been sung so hauntingly. And what I thought about this morning, while this song played in my car, was YOU! I felt myself slipping into those familiar places for a little while when we found out about your heart, and then even nearer when you were diagnosed with Down's. I cried almost solidly for a week. I didn't want to get out of bed, or face people, or even face the reality. All I wanted that entire week was to lay down and slip into the oblivion that sleep brings. I grieved. For my dreams, for my perfect baby, for life as we had known it, and for all the things that I thought that you were not, could not ever be and would never do. And then, sitting on the front porch, a rainbow! Once again, I felt as if God had reached down, gently patted me on the head, and said, "Its going to all be all right now." I sat on the porch, with tears filling my eyes, because I heard Him loud and clear. It dawned on me that this wasn't a test. It was a GIFT!

I knew your personality before you were born. I knew already, no matter what anyone tried to tell me, that you were smart, and stubborn, and silly, and so, so strong. I knew that you loved music, just like your mama, and already danced when the music moved you. You were constant motion, rolling and kicking. You smiled, you stuck out your tongue, you waved and even blew kisses. You had chubby cheeks, and pouty lips, and LOTS of hair. These are all things that I knew before you were even born, before I ever got lost in your big blue eyes face to face. What I didn't know was how you would steal my heart, how I would again have big dreams for you, how you would be the most wonderful, precious, and beautiful gift that I have ever been given. I didn't know that you would change my life so much for the better, or how you make it fuller, more vibrant and joyous. I didn't know how my heart would sigh when you were first put in my arms, or that I would feel like a piece of it that I didn't even realize I was missing would slide so effortlessly into place. I never knew that feeling of utter certainty that I had the first time you cuddled into my chest and stared up at me, that this; yes, this, is what I was made to do. Everything in my life so far has been preparation for being your mommy. :)
And I just have to say that when I look at it that way, I am in awe!!!!!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

And all God's people said, "Amen." :)
Thank God for knowing what I needed more than I did. Thank God for every struggle, every heartache, every disappointment, every single rain storm in my life. Thank Him for not answering all of my prayers, and for answering ones I didn't even know I had. Thank Him for the diamonds He has made out of the ashes of past mistakes and past lives. But most of all, thank God for the perfect creation of YOU!
I love you, precious Bug. 



  1. The song Broken, by lifehouse, is my "Russell" song. For some reason EVERY time we drove up to the NICU to visit Russell it was playing. I cried, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I heard it. Just the part about healing...I felt thats what I was doing, healing. I cried for a week straight too, I didnt want to move from that bed...I didnt even want to breathe!
    And now to this day when I hear that song I relive all those emotions...Except now, I know Russell is a blessing...Just like you said, not a "test" a gift.
    Loved this post!

  2. The song that I always heard playing, usually on the way home from the NICU was Bruno Mars' "Just the Way You Are". That song is amazing...My baby girl is truly amazing just the way she is! :)


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