“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”
~A.A. Milne, from "Winnie the Pooh"

'Twas The Night Before Birth

Here it is almost 8 pm the night before the day I have been waiting 39 weeks for, the night before our baby girl's birthday! I probably should be sleeping (my hubby is) but I find that so many thoughts are running through my head and as much as I have been looking forward to this day for so long, I am also finding that I am equally enjoying this last night of having her safe and sound and kicking around inside me. So many unknowns face us with the coming day. With her safe inside me, I can protect her and know without a doubt that she's safe. All I can do when the sun comes up is put her in God's capable hands and deal with whatever comes our way.

this pregnancy has been a true test of faith, a virtual roller coaster of highs and lows. I find myself remembering again and again the grandmother from the movie "Parenthood" talking about this very thing..."I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it". This has definitely been the ride of my life!

For someone who has been told again and again over the last two years that I will never have another baby, and someone who had given up that particular hope too, the day that I found out I was pregnant was unbelievable. I took a total of 4 tests just to make sure. Then came the blood tests that said my progesterone levels were too low and the 6 long weeks of Herculean doses of medicine that made me feel like poop to make sure that I didn't miscarry. The first time that I saw little Lydia (before we knew for sure she was a Lydia).. such a little bean but with a heart beating so steady and strong and I remember crying with sheer joy. Smooth sailing for quite a while, ultrasounds and tests showing everything we would expect to see. The dr telling John that it was a 70-30 percent chance the baby was a boy...haha and the friendly arguments that ensued for the next six weeks until we got to the next one and found out she was a girl! Ahhhhh ecstasy! :) Then the blood tests that came back elevated for Downs, and the next one that came back normal, and the ultrasound that showed something wrong with her little heart. Such joy turned to such fear and heartache. The week from Hell. Waiting on amnio results, waiting to talk to a specialist, waiting to know for sure this precious girl's fate all while dealing with a broken heart of my own. the confirmation of Down's syndrome shouldn't have come as a surprise but still it did, just another kick during a week where we were so low. But the doctors at Riley and IU were optimistic and with time, we adjusted our way of thinking and I personally know that I become overwhelmed with awe that God had enough faith in me as a mother to bless me with this tiny miracle.

During the last few months, I have been blessed to watch my tiny bean grow into a precious baby, with a personality all her own that continually blows my mind. I have become well versed in the medical aspects of her heart condition, and have watched her constantly surpassing each and every doctors expectations.
I don't know what tomorrow holds, or next week, or next month. But I do know that without a doubt, life will never be dull with her around. :) I'm scared, unsure, nervous, excited and overjoyed all at the same time, just like the roller coaster. But I know for a fact that whatever the future holds, I can't wait for the ride. I love you Lydia, and I can't wait to kiss your sweet little face tomorrow!

an extra chromosome just makes her special :)
blowing kisses :)