tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54526470279945586792024-03-13T11:52:48.818-04:00My Liddy BugHeidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.comBlogger220125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-83383632749375908512014-01-01T21:35:00.002-05:002014-01-01T21:35:20.178-05:00I Love You Because You're You<div style="text-align: center;">
We have a favorite book in this house....a sweet little book about a little fox and his mommy. I've read it at least a million times, so many that I know it by heart and even more impressive, Liddy knows it by heart as well. It's raggedy, the cover is peppered with teeth marks, the spine is falling apart. The signs of a well loved book. Nothing makes my heart happier than listening to her "read" it to herself, repeating "I lub you" over and over with each turn of the page. </div>
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Since this little book is such a staple in our house, I thought I'd make a post of it in honor of it's biggest fan. :)</div>
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Enjoy.</div>
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I love you when you're happy and grinning ear to ear.</div>
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I love you when you're sleepy and want to snuggle near.</div>
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I love you when you're silly and dancing 'round and 'round.</div>
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I love you when you're frightened and hear a scary sound.</div>
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I love you when you're bashful and hide behind my knee.</div>
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I love you when you're brave and from my arms you flee.</div>
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I love you when you're curious and searching here and there..</div>
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I love you when you're proud, your head held high in the air.</div>
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I love you when you're sick and need to rest in bed.</div>
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I love you when you're frisky and standing on your head.</div>
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I love you when you're sad and need a kiss and hug.</div>
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I love you when you're playful and rolling on the rug.</div>
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I love you when you're angry and cross your arms and pout.</div>
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I love you when you're wild and yell and scream and shout.</div>
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I love you any way you feel, no matter what you do.</div>
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I love you any way you are.</div>
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I love you because you're you.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">~From "I Love You Because You're You" by Liza Baker</span></div>
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There is no doubt at all that I love this sweet and sassy almost three year old...no matter what she does...and no matter who she becomes. The sky is the limit and I have BIG dreams for her bright shiny future. </div>
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Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-82035397271710035562013-12-31T22:17:00.002-05:002013-12-31T22:19:48.071-05:00The End of 2013<div style="text-align: center;">
Tonight I sit here at the computer, all of my kids (except one) under my roof, and I think how very blessed I am. Life here is quite a bit like living in a crazy zoo and while our life is far from perfect (or even sane), I have to say that I love the crazy (although I do have my moments of reminiscing about a quiet, clean, yummy smelling house haha). I find that despite my grumblings I wouldn't trade this life for the other quieter, cleaner, and much saner one for anything in the world.</div>
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Amid my review of New Year's Eves past, I can't help but stop on one not so long ago...the last New Year's before life irrevocably changed for us.</div>
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Three years ago, we spent part of New Year's eve in the labor and delivery department of our local hospital, contracting, hoping against hope for the first baby of 2011. It was not to be. We got sent home to wait for our induction date three days later. Bummer. I can't help but remember that woman I used to be, so impatient, yet so truly afraid of the unknowns yet to come. I've come a long way from then.....and I have changed so much that the me of today barely recognizes that version of myself. And I can hardly believe the twists and turns my life has taken since the cold, snowy January day that she brought herself into my world.</div>
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2013 has been a wild one, with every bit of the roller coaster like ups and downs that we rode our way through in 2011. Soaring highs, crashing lows. But as I watch my daughter play, as I hear her sing, as I hug my too tall son and he rests his chin on the top of my head, as I watch the formerly scrawny, now chubby, baby sit on his own, smiling and laughing, I know that without a doubt, this year has been a year of immense blessings, of being greatly favored by God. I'm beyond grateful...and extremely humbled. So here you go...our year in review.....</div>
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Happy New Year from our family to yours! May you be every bit as blessed in the coming year as we have been, and continue to be. </div>
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XOXOXOXO, </div>
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Heidi</div>
Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-92069522380704776092013-09-25T21:39:00.005-04:002013-09-25T21:39:56.294-04:00A Chance Encounter<div style="text-align: center;">
Dear Sweet Mama,</div>
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As I was rushing through the grocery store today, harried, strapped for time, two babies in tow, I saw you pass by us more than once. I saw you staring at our cart out of the corner of my eye. And never thought a thing about it as I sped through the store, stacking groceries haphazardly around my three month old in the cart, trying to escape the store before one or the other of the under 3 crowd had a melt down. </div>
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As I swung around a corner (just keep moving and the baby won't cry!), I heard a sweet voice say, "May I look at your baby?" "Sure," I replied, without thinking, moving groceries and myself so that you could catch a view of Levi in the overladen cart. "Oh no," you said," I meant your OTHER baby. I didn't even know he was in the cart" and you smiled, already making your way to my daughter's side. I felt myself tense up because my child, as sparkling as a butterfly from a distance is often not so sweet and generous when her space is invaded. </div>
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However, you bent down to her level and gently asked her her name....to which she replied in Liddy speak "Diddy". You smiled and asked how old she was....(to which she replied 3, which might be a slight stretch!) You leaned forward, kissed her forehead, and then said to me, "Mine just turned 57." Suddenly, this time crunched mama, who had spent the last 20 minutes tearing through the aisles, felt like time stopped while I stood and chatted with you. You told me that your son has Alzheimers and when I apologized, you said, "It is what it is and I had 50 years of the greatest blessing before time started to take him away." I had a lump in my throat as I watched you continue to speak to Liddy, not as a stranger, but in a voice overflowing with love for a little girl who you don't know anything about except that she shares the same extra chromosome as your son. </div>
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I watched, blinking back tears, as my precious girl reached up and gave you a hug, signing "I love you." And as you started to walk away, you reached up to the collar of your sweater and unpinned the angel you were wearing, gently pinning it to Liddy's t shirt. "An angel needs a guardian angel" you said as you walked away. </div>
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I want to say thank you. Thank you for stepping in at exactly the right moment and reminding me that nothing is more important than right now and that these moments with my babies, as stressful as they might seem sometimes, are fleeting. Thank you for pouring your love out to my child, for talking TO her, not about her, for showing genuine appreciation for who she is. Thank you for your honesty, for not sugar coating your reality, but remaining serene about what I know must be excruciatingly painful to watch as a mother. Thank you for giving me a glimpse of the type of mother I want to be.....the type of mentor I aspire to be to others just starting out on this path some day. But most of all, thank you for taking the time to step up and say hello. I have had a few parents stop me while Liddy and I are out and about but this encounter with you truly touched my heart deeply. </div>
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I may never see you again but the memories of that brief conversation will stay with me for a long, long time. </div>
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We are family, you and I. Please know that you and your precious son are in my thoughts and prayers tonight....and that pin you gave my baby girl will be a treasure to us always.</div>
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Love,</div>
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Heidi</div>
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<br />Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-1916674301132317502013-08-16T23:09:00.002-04:002013-08-16T23:09:46.452-04:00Another Birthday.....I wake up every year on August 17th at precisely 1:37 am. I lie awake in the darkness and allow the sepia colored memories of that moment and the ones that followed to wash over me in waves. <i>I miss her</i>. Like a physical ache that never goes away.<br />
For 18 years, I have clung to those too short moments, every second of those precious days etched perfectly in my heart. The smell of her head, the weight of her tiny body, the feel of her fist wrapped around my finger, her tiny cradle cap tucked away in a baby book bursting at the seams with snapshots of her life without me. These are all I have of her.<br />
Its hard for me to reconcile those memories with the beautiful woman I clung to last summer. Its hard for me to imagine that 18 years have passed by in the blink of an eye and that the birthday I have longed for for so many years has finally arrived.<br />
I've changed so much from that girl I used to be then. So much has happened. So many days have passed without her. I grew up, as I watched her grow up from afar. <br />
The passing years have added a little gray to my hair. They've added a few more pounds, a few more kids, a few more responsibilities. But those years without her have also shown me what I couldn't see in the beginning...that I was strong enough to wait.<br />
She is always with me.....in the quiet hours of early morning, in the sparkle of her sister's smile, in the laughter, in the love we share...all these things exist because she does. All of these exist because she burns like a beacon in my heart, pushing me to let my light shine brighter, to dream bigger, to go further, to love deeper. And still, <i>I miss her.</i> With every beat of my heart.<br />
<i><b>I am me because of her.</b> </i><br />
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I know full well how hard it can be to have a major part of your heart walking around in the world without you. But a mother's love is never ending. So I wait.<br />
Happy birthday, angel of mine. I wish that I was able to wrap you in my arms this day. I wish that I was able to wake you in those quiet moments of morning at the moment you were born, simply to tell you that I love you and be the first to wish you a wonderful day. I miss you. Always.<br />
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All my love to you. May your day be every bit as beautiful and special as you are. Wish you were here...... <br />
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<br />Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-57963566886123843742013-08-06T23:30:00.002-04:002013-08-06T23:30:50.043-04:00Gene Therapy and My Views on the Raging Debate.....I try very hard to avoid the hot button topics here most of the time. After all, that doesn't necessarily fit in with the mission of this blog, which is really just to show what life as the parent of a child with Down syndrome is like and to occasionally work through my own thoughts and feelings, which I do best by writing them down.....However, there is a large controversy brewing within the Down syndrome community and since this subject is one that I have a lot of thoughts on, I thought I would put my two cents in.<br />
Scientists at the University of Massachusetts Medical School have found a way to essentially<a href="http://www.nature.com/news/researchers-turn-off-down-s-syndrome-genes-1.13406"> "shut off"</a> the extra 21st chromosome in petri dishes. I have friends within our Ds family who sit solidly on one side or the other, and while that's perfectly fine and dandy, I have watched in disappointment the same community who work so hard to combat ignorance and injustice fight amongst themselves and in some cases, treat each other with horrible disrespect. It saddens me. The entire thing saddens me.<br />
I have my own opinions on the matter, of course, which I'll get to in due time. But I also have grave concerns about the motivations, long term effects, and consequences which come along with essentially "playing God" in a laboratory......<br />
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1) What are the long term effects that could come with negating the "positive effects" of a person's genetic makeup? I've heard the arguments about the stereotypes of people with Down syndrome being extra loving, extra happy, etc etc. I understand that with that extra chromosome comes higher chances of some pretty nasty stuff....delayed development,early death, respiratory , GI, and cardiac defects, leukemia, and early onset Alzheimer's. I understand the urge to eliminate the increased risks for these things. I truly do. Especially considering that these are issues that we may have to face at sometime in our future (and are already dealing with cardiac defects). Yet I think that we also can not forget that there are some positives as well, including a greatly decreased risk of other types of cancer, a higher remission rate in kids with Ds who have fought leukemia, and a decreased risk of complications that come from diabetes and high blood pressure. These are things that aren't fully understood but which are directly linked to the extra chromosome and which I feel strongly were they studied could lead to breakthroughs in the treatment of the general population who face these problems. So my question is this: Instead of shutting off the extra chromosome all together, why aren't we pushing as a community to put those researchers to work eliminating the "side effects" rather than the syndrome itself?<br />
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2) What are the consequences of messing with the genetic makeup of an individual? How much of a person's personality is formed from an early age by the challenges they face? How much effect does Ds actually have on the individual characteristics our kids have? Will shutting off the extra chromosome in utero eliminate the physical characteristics that go hand in hand with Ds? Essentially, I wonder who our kids would be without that little extra....would they be the same or would they be profoundly different children? I feel strongly that we are all shaped by our experiences from an early age. I know that my parents' divorce when I was 6 years old was a contributing factor to the person I am today, as were all the other challenges I have faced in my almost 36 years on Earth. I am not the same person with the exact same beliefs and personality traits that I had even 3 years ago. Yes, essentially there is some part of me that is the same as that little 6 year old girl I used to be, formed by my own genetic makeup. However, so many parts of me are profoundly different, which makes me sincerely wonder who my daughter would be even now had she not faced open heart surgery, had she not had to fight so hard for her life, and had she not had to work so hard to meet developmental milestones. Would she be the same girl? I really don't know.....<br />
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3) The question that bothers me the most. The one that is the crux of my fears about this potential therapy....What is truly the motivation behind this research in the first place? Is it truly an attempt to help kids with Down syndrome or is it simply one more way to eliminate it? I fear its end result is elimination. And that's the saddest part for me. I understand a parent's motivation to support and seek out this therapy for their child when it becomes available....I understand that we all do what we feel is best for our kids....and I understand fully the wish that, as a parent, you never had to watch your child struggle. But I know parents who are appalled by the high abortion rates for fetuses diagnosed prenatally with Ds who will do whatever is in their power to turn that extra chromosome off completely. And I think that quite honestly, had something like this been available when I was pregnant with Liddy, before we fully understood what Down syndrome would mean in our lives, we, who were so solidly against having an abortion regardless, would have probably jumped on the chance to never find out what it would mean for us. And really, just as with an ever increasing abortion rate, Down syndrome won't be eliminated. Kids with Down syndrome will. In my opinion, that's a travesty in itself.....<br />
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As for my opinion, I'm sure that it's already at least partially clear at this point. Maybe I'll be considered selfish, maybe there will be some who believe that I am a bad parent for my thoughts, for my refusal to change my daughter. I really don't care what the opinions of any one else are about me...the only ones that matter are those of my family and we all love Liddy exactly as she is (that's not to say that parents who would choose the opposite love their kids any less btw...so no hate mail please!).<br />
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Being Liddy's mom has changed me. And quite honestly, I could have never imagined being so head over heels in love with every bit of someone as I am with her. She is an ever changing kaleidoscope of personality...one minute the sweetest girl you've ever seen, the next a raging wild cat....one second good as gold, the next full of every bit of two year old naughtiness she can muster. The most amazing thing about her is that two and a half years later, I am every bit as fascinated by her as I was the first day she was placed in my arms. She is smart, she is hysterically funny, she is the hardest, most determined little worker I know. And while on one hand, I would love for her to never have to struggle to overcome the challenges Down syndrome has brought to her life, on the other, I wonder if she'd still <i>be</i> the same child I love so much if she had never had to face any of them.<br />
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I know for a fact that I would desperately miss her sparkly almond shaped eyes and her tiny crooked pinkies. I simply can't imagine how horrible it would be to look at the face of the beautiful girl I love so much and know that some piece of her, some vital part that makes her in any way the girl she is, is gone.<br />
Is she who she is because she has Down syndrome or is she who she is because that's just who she would be irregardless? I really can't say for sure. But what I can say without a single qualm is that I never want to find out.<br />
She isn't Down syndrome. She's so much more than a useless label, so much more than a stereotypical ideal. But in my eyes, Down syndrome IS a part of who she is and that is someone I love with every ounce of my being. <br />
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Would I change her if I could? No way. Our lives are richer because she exists, exactly as she is, extra chromosome and all.......<br />
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<br />Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-9046502473469679422013-08-03T22:43:00.003-04:002013-08-03T22:43:52.928-04:00Confessions of An Exhausted Mommy<br />
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I've always been so proud of myself for being able to juggle all the demands of motherhood gracefully. Even when I thought I was dropping balls left and right, it appeared to the rest of the world that I had it all together. There were times that the rest of the world saw my indecision, my doubts, my obsessive worries...but even then, as I stood on the brink of falling to pieces, I always managed to come out smelling like a rose.</div>
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In this world of social media, its easy to appear to be Super Mom. We carefully choose the image that we put out into the world....an image that paints us in the best possible light and shows our kids as adorable little imps that we, of course, can't imagine our lives without. Motherhood through the lens we show the world is sunshine and rainbows most of the time.</div>
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Most of it, I'd venture to say, is pure bullshit.</div>
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Not to say that I don't adore my kids. I do. I'm mostly madly in love with them all. But I'm just gonna say it....I AM EXHAUSTED. I am overwhelmed at least 3 days out of 7 in a good week. And at least 10 times a day I dream of an icy cold pina colada sipped in a beach chair, toes in the sand, and no kids in sight. </div>
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I've been a mom for a long time. I assumed that a new baby would be as easy as my others were and that all the stressfulness would ease up after we all settled into a new routine. Um. Wrong. There is no routine, other than ceaseless diaper changes, laundry, and feedings. Levi has been home for four weeks now and Liddy just decided that she <i>might </i>like him (although I asked her yesterday if she loved her brother, to which she promptly replied "No"). At least once a day, she cries when he cries (which by the way seems like alllll the time). And I truly don't understand how it is possible that I have a newborn who refuses to sleep...Aren't newborns supposed to sleep all the time? Liddy has morphed into an incredibly adorable toddler seemingly overnight, with every bit of the typical toddler naughtiness, and sees the new interloper as an opportunity to create mass chaos while the parental units are otherwise occupied.And while I totally pride myself on creating totally beautiful babies, now I see clearly that they use their cuteness as a way to sucker sappy mommies into getting out of bed on too little sleep and wading through the madness that is motherhood again tomorrow. </div>
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I'm realizing, unwillingly, that I am not Super Mom. I'm just a mom...with two kids in diapers, with a baby who is probably slightly colicky, and an almost constantly raging headache.</div>
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*sigh* This isn't necessarily what I signed up for. </div>
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I turned into an old lady overnight. More gray hair than red. Big bags under my eyes. High BP. </div>
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Mad props from me to all you moms who do this by yourself or who have lots more than 2 little ones......I feel like I'm losing my mind at least 90% of the time. ;)</div>
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But they are cute, I'll give them that.......</div>
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If only I saw less of this face:</div>
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and more of this one:</div>
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Oh well. It won't be this crazy forever. And if it will, can you please just lie and say "Sure. It'll get easier..." Thanks.</div>
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Signed,</div>
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Sleep Deprived in Indiana</div>
<br />Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-34369167650519846242013-07-13T22:08:00.000-04:002013-07-13T22:11:22.573-04:00What Faith Can Do.....<div style="text-align: center;">
Another year has passed by. It seems like time rolls on with all of the finesse of a freight train the older I get. And here we once again find ourselves, on the eve of Liddy's re-birthday. The day which changed us all and which made every moment of the last 730 days possible. The anniversary of facing our worst fears, of finding faith and strength amidst a thudding heart and endless tears, the day that our tiny brokenhearted baby girl was returned to us with a fully functioning, newly rebuilt ticker in her fragile little chest.</div>
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6 months on pins and needles, waiting the day that she would either get sick or surgery would come. 7 hours in surgery. 14 days spent in the ICU. A collapsed lung. A second surgery to implant a pacemaker. 2 days on the heart floor. </div>
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Countless sleepless nights. Enough tears to fill the ocean. A million prayers. Hours spent beside the giant crib which contained my still, quiet, heart stoppingly tiny baby girl amid the endless beeping and humming of the ICU. </div>
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Well worth every single second. </div>
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A ransom I would pay a thousand times over simply to be given the chance to continue being able to receive hugs and kisses and smiles, to hear her laughter, and be witness to the sassy head shakes that accompany my princess' exasperated "Oh mama."</div>
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I simply can't imagine a world without her in it. </div>
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Two years later. I am every bit as grateful as I was in those first faltering days afterwards. Possibly more so because now I have had another 730 days to REALLY know her.....and grow to love her even more. </div>
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Thank you to every surgeon, every doctor, every nurse that made it possible for me to continue falling in love with my Bug with each passing day. Seeing this face...</div>
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is a blessing I will never take for granted. </div>
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Happy Heart Day, precious Liddy. Mama loves you so much more than you will ever know......</div>
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"Make broken hearts brand new...That's what faith can do"~Kutless</div>
Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-26161545549424968772013-06-25T07:10:00.001-04:002013-06-25T07:10:45.008-04:00Life's Littlest Surprises.....<div style="text-align: center;">
I sincerely thought that Amanda and Caleb would be my only kids. One I raised myself and one who was raised by another set of parents. I never really considered having more...until I met John.</div>
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John always wanted at least one more baby. In fact, in our pre-marriage discussions about it, I broke down more than once and told him to find someone else because due to my "female problems" I was never going to be able to give him one. We got married after a whole lot of assurance on his part that he loved me and wanted to marry me...not the possibility of more kids (what a man by the way!).</div>
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When I found out I was pregnant with Liddy, I felt as if I had been kissed by the angels themselves. Long have I called her my miracle baby and I sincerely thought she was the last......</div>
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Surprise!</div>
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Seems that life ultimately had other plans.</div>
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These littles. Oh my. They have taken us on quite the roller coaster ride already. 2 unexpected babies within three years. 2 NICU stays. But I have to say that I couldn't ask for two more perfect babies....and I couldn't imagine that I could love either a single smidgeon more than I have since I have first gazed on their faces.....</div>
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Another NICU stay was my worst fear. I fully admit it. I whined. I complained. I talked about kicking Levi out early. But in reality, I would have rather he stayed in, making me miserable, for at least a couple more weeks. I would have rather not have been forced to give birth because the options for me were horrible. I would have rather he came when HE chose to, not when we forced him. And I could have gladly lived the rest of my life without ever seeing another of my babies, especially one so tiny and defenseless, breathing through a ventilator.</div>
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Talk about putting your priorities in order FAST. Was I sad that another open ended NICU stay was in our future? Yes. I don't think that any mother wouldn't be sad to be leaving the hospital without her baby tucked safely in the car beside her. But the alternative...unthinkable. </div>
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Even after a relatively short time being Liddy's mama and a blip in time being Levi's, I simply can't imagine life without either of them......</div>
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These itty bitty kids complete our family in ways I never imagined. I thought we were complete after Liddy....little did I know how much we were missing a Levi as well.</div>
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I'm proud to say that tiny Peanut is every bit as much of a fighter as his sister. He's off the vent...and just one week after it was placed, he's breathing completely on his own, without even a whiff of oxygen. He started eating bottles yesterday, and does it like he's been a bottle muncher all along. He's gaining weight. And even though going home hasn't been brought into the discussion with the neonates yet, I'm hopeful that he'll be here with us where he truly belongs very, very soon.</div>
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I don't know quite yet how Liddy is going to take that....but I'm 100% positive that one of these days, these two are going to be best buddies and John and I are in big trouble. ;)</div>
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So thankful for all of your kind words and many prayers. They're obviously working. </div>
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Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-22253800546597715532013-06-20T14:18:00.002-04:002013-06-20T18:28:55.834-04:00Welcome to the World, Levi...and Heart Aches.....A whirlwind weekend brought us soaring highs and crashing lows.<br />
A beautiful baby boy who arrived just an hour and a half past Father's Day.<br />
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6 hours of living the blessed life before the first crash to Earth...as our tiny 6 lb wonder was rushed to the NICU with O2 sats settled in the 70's.<br />
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An entire day spent by mama, on pins and needles, stuck in bed and unable to go to where her heart lay, right down the hall.<br />
Lots and lots of tears. Empty arms. Helpless. Not a happy feeling. But, he was holding his own and we had every hope that his breathing difficulties were due to medication not due to something more dire.....<br />
Until Tuesday.<br />
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It became clear on Tuesday that our issues stemmed, not from medication, but from tiny lungs that were forced to breathe before they were fully developed and ready.<br />
And yesterday, I got the third crash to Earth moment when the neonatologist woke me to tell me that they were placing the vent, that his tiny little lungs simply couldn't keep up any more on their own.......<br />
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Heart broken. Now unable to even feel his warm body snuggled into mine. Forced to re-live the moments of agony we faced when leaving Liddy in the NICU and going home, amplified by the fact that instead of leaving a relatively healthy baby girl, we were now leaving a very sick little boy. <br />
I woke up this morning in my own bed, with a heavy heart and alarmingly empty arms.But when I stumbled out of bed and called the NICU to check on how our Peanut's night had gone, I was greeted with awesome news......<br />
The vent has now been turned down from O2 levels of 30 to levels of 22. The vent is no longer breathing FOR him, but is only providing support so that he is learning to breathe on his own. His blood gases look amazing compared to those of just yesterday. He's no longer sedated. And when Caleb and I went to visit this morning, as soon as he heard my voice, I was greeting by this....<br />
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bright eyes staring back at me. Oh my heart. Praying very very hard that this upward trend continues and that we'll be bringing our Peanut home very very soon......</div>
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<br />Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-21008554606180171892013-05-18T12:19:00.002-04:002013-05-18T20:46:14.030-04:0015 Lessons I've Learned from My 15 Year Old Son...Being a mom is...well, enlightening, to say the least.<br />
When I found out that I was pregnant with my son (who I had no idea WAS a son), my dreams were filled with pink, ruffly dresses, pigtails and dollies. My great-grandma tried to warn me, usually with gentle reminders that she "had ordered a boy (hahaha)" and at times, by forcefully dragging me away from all those adorable little girl clothes into the boy's things. Despite it all, I refused to believe that I would have anything other than a daughter, because let's be real. Despite man's age old arguments that women are so difficult to understand, I had spent roughly 20 years trying to understand how the male mind worked and was at least as far from understanding that as any man was in understanding how <i>mine</i> worked.<br />
I cried when Caleb was born....a mix of the normal new mama emotions and stress about what in the world I was supposed to <i>DO</i> with a son. Surprisingly, it didn't take long for me to fall head over heels in love with this bouncing baby boy, despite my choking fears of failure. <br />
15 years later, I still don't have a clue how the male mind works, but being a part of that chubby cheeked, angelic baby boy growing into a man has brought me some (although little) insight and has taught me more than I could have ever imagined.<br />
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Lesson # 15: <b>A little dirt never hurt</b>.<br />
It shocked me to find that I could put my son to bed smelling like pure Heaven, clean and freshly bathed without a speck of dirt to be found, only for him to get out of bed in the morning with dirt in places that I could have never even dreamed that you could GET dirt in...let alone while you were sleeping. Unless I was willing to spend the next 18 years in the bathroom in a feeble attempt to bathe him until his skin fell off, dirt was just something that I was obviously going to have to learn to live with. <br />
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Lesson #14: <b>The humor of embarrassing moments.</b><br />
Kids are real. They have no filter which tells them that perhaps something is wildly inappropriate to discuss <b>, </b>especially in public places.They simply don't know any better. It didn't take too many of those blush inducing public bathroom stall conversations about "Boys have wee-wees and girls don't" before I figured out that I needed to grow some thicker skin. Everyone else seemed to think that conversations like that in public were hilarious (judging by the roaring laughter from the stalls surrounding us), so maybe it was time that I learned to laugh about them too. :)<br />
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Lesson # 13: <b>Boys do crazy dangerous things...and usually don't get injured doing them. It's the nondescript you have to watch for.</b><br />
Too many times, I have been witness to my son pulling off heart attack inducing stunts...things that I swore were going to land us in the emergency room. I have been the mom saying "You better stop. You're going to break an arm doing that!" Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) our trips to the ER have never been caused by things that I would have freaked out that he was doing. We HAVE had a broken wrist (caused by tripping over his own feet in the backyard), a sprained shoulder (caused by falling the foot from his bottom bunk to the floor), and a puncture wound in his hand (caused by a school art project gone badly wrong). I suppose it's proof positive that moms worry waaaayyy too much about things that they shouldn't worry so much about, and worry too little about the things they think are relatively harmless. Who knew? (Not that I am encouraging any one to jump off the roof of the house, wearing only a SuperMan cape!)<br />
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Lesson # 12: <b>Girls stop having the cooties long before they ever did when you were a kid.</b><br />
<b> </b>I will never forget sitting on my front porch with my sister and Caleb, shortly after the end of his kindergarten year. My sister was teasing him about having a girlfriend, and I, in my naivety, joked that no, of course he didn't have a girlfriend. Caleb, in total earnestness, piped up that he hadn't wanted to tell me but Kaitlin (my best friend's daughter) and he had "broken up", with the assumption that they might possibly "get back together when they were like 15 or something." Ummm. How did something this major escape my mommy radar? Then my sister asked if he had kissed her. He said yes. I checked out of the conversation. There's only so much a mommy's heart can take. ;)<br />
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Lesson # 11: <b>Boys get embarrassed by their moms every bit as much as moms get embarrassed by their sons.</b><br />
What this essentially means is that sons will break your heart for the first time long before you ever see it coming. 2nd week of 1st grade, I walked my son to school for the first time. On our road, he held my hand. When we turned the corner, he dropped my hand and walked beside me. After turning the next corner, he walked ahead of me. By the time the school was visible, I was practically <i>running</i> to keep up with him. When I reached the front doors of the school, panting heavily, I found my precious baby trying to duck into school without even telling me goodbye! After much urging (read..begging), he gave me the first of many duck and run hugs (you know...the ones that never really count as hugs at all) before scampering off into school. I cried the entire walk home. Nowadays, I try to play it cool. But I still miss those public displays of affection, heedless of who's watching.<br />
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Lesson # 10: <b>It IS possible to teach a male to put the toilet seat down.</b><br />
Of course, it helps when you have a dog whose one major obsession is drinking (loudly) out of the toilet in the middle of the night. But hey! Anything to get those miracles accomplished, right?<br />
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Lesson # 9: <b>Being the mean parent pays off in the end.</b><br />
Caleb's dad is a big dude. Seriously. I knew from the day he was born a boy that there was a very real possibility that he would outgrow my short self long before he stopped needing discipline and guidance. What to do??? I was the hard parent. The one who didn't take any crap. In fact, there was a saying in our house...Fear of God is one thing. But the real thing you need to fear is mom. ;) Not saying that my child was abused..by no stretch of the imagination was he. However, you know you must be doing something right when a teacher calls you specifically because your 2nd grade son cried in the hallway, begging her to call his 6 ft 4 dad instead of his 5 ft 4 mom. It wasn't easy. And plenty of nights I went to bed feeling like Satan's incarnate. However, my now nearly 6 ft teenage son is extremely respectful of his mother these days (and don't tell him but I couldn't put him over my knee if I tried nowadays!)<br />
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Lesson # 8:<b></b> <b>No one can come up with a better argument against bathing and basic hygiene than a boy convinced of the need to do neither. Or be prouder of any sort of stench their bodily functions create.</b><br />
Apparently, boys don't mind weird stenches. In fact, after living with a boy for the last 15 years, I'm thoroughly convinced that not only do they not mind them, they relish the creation of them as well. When Caleb's dad and I split up, I filled the house with yummy smelling candles. Every time my son set foot in the house, he would fart up a storm. I finally asked him if he did this as much at his dad's house as he did at mine...to which he humbly replied no. The only explanation that I could ever come up with was that he was marking my girly smelling house with his maleness much the same way as a dog marks its territory by peeing on trees. And bathing...well, bathing was a battle from the time he could say the word no. Once he was in the tub, he loved it. However, getting him there was a constant battle.....until he started noticing girls. I guess that's one thing I can be grateful to a girlfriend for...less sweaty, stinky boy smells in my house.<br />
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Lesson # 7: <b>A son's first love is his mama...and when he moves on to other loves, it breaks his mama's heart.</b><br />
My son taught me what it truly means to love someone more than myself. We have a special bond. And although we made a deal that long ago day on the porch that he wouldn't kiss any more girls until he was 16 (negotiated down from the 30 that his mama tried to contract him to), he's had a serious girlfriend for the last two years. *sob* I guess I thought that the deal we made was set in stone. But obviously, stupid Cupid had other plans. Damn that rotten cherub. The first time that I overheard him tell this girl that he loved her, that nasty green monster who faintly resembles the Incredible Hulk reared its ugly head with a vengeance. <b> </b>Nope. No love stuff here. The only female MY son should ever be telling he loves (at least before the age of 30) is the one who gave birth to him! It's absolutely insane how much a mother can despise a young girl she's never met based solely on the fact that her son is in love with her. Glad to say that Caleb's girlfriend is essentially a sweet girl and although in my heart I still believe that no one is ever good enough for my son, I got past the jealousy and accepted that my baby is growing up.......although I'd still like to go back to the days when good ole mom was the leading lady in his life.<br />
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Lesson # 6:<b> Hell hath no fury like a hungry teenage boy.</b><br />
I live in a predominantly male household. It's just Liddy and I against an ever growing testosterone driven population. Yet it never ceases to utterly amaze me that I can go to the grocery, come home with $200 worth of groceries, fill the cabinets simply watch the masses descend like droves of locusts on the bounty. Two days later (sometimes less) they're wandering the house, complaining that there's nothing to eat. And ironically, they're usually right. Where did that picky little boy who ate like a bird rush off to? All those years of constantly worrying that he was slowly starving to death replaced in a blink of the eye with a food destroying monster. I mean it. How can I get that bird like eater back? These boys are eating me out of house and home.......<br />
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Lesson # 5: <b>Never could I have imagined knowing so much about video games, Star Wars and Thomas the Tank Engine.</b><br />
Give me a good Disney princess movie any day. ;)<br />
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Lesson # 4:<b> I am now an expert at stain removal.</b><br />
Gone are the days of fighting a useless battle against boys who spill EVERYTHING. After many, many years of refusing to buy anything even remotely resembling white, I finally got smart. Amid grass stains, and food slopped down the front of shirts, to sleeves used instead of napkins, I got wise and worked out my own system for stain removal. Not that I could share it with anyone..cause even 15 years in, its for sure a trial and error method followed by sometimes washing an item enough to almost make it fall apart to get the stains out. But damn it. Those stains are gone (even if they ARE replaced by a hole).<br />
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Lesson # 3: <b>Just because you have a son does not mean that they will willingly deal with the nasty things you don't want to deal with yourself.</b><br />
I truly thought that after 15 years of being the mom of a boy, nothing could gross me out any more. I thought that nothing could gross HIM out. I was wrong. Case in point... He refuses to change dirty diapers (despite his obvious lack of an adequate sense of smell). My strapping son will also not touch a dead mouse in a trap. In fact, he refuses to even pick up the trap and dispose of the entire thing. However, my teeny tiny daughter has no issue with picking up a mouse in a trap and swinging it around by the tail. *gag* I guess that's just proof that girls aren't always that much different than boys. ;)<br />
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Lesson # 2: <b>No matter how big they get, a mom will always look at them and see their baby first.</b><br />
<b> </b>It's difficult for any parent to realize how much their children are growing. Something about seeing them day in and day out makes it nearly impossible to recognize the inch they grew practically over night. Yeah. Until those inches add up and you find yourself looking UP at the little boy you not so long ago looked DOWN on. My large and in charge kid outgrew me well over a year ago. In fact, he's just one good growth spurt from hitting the 6 ft mark, well on his way to being at least as tall as his father. Yet, there are still times when I wander into his room, or catch a glimpse of him walking my way, and still clearly see the little boy he USED to be instead of the man he almost is. And when the fog of my memory clears itself away, I find myself in total shock. Where did my baby go? Who is this towering man-child standing in front of me now? And why in the world didn't anyone ever figure out a better way to stop kids from growing than putting bricks on their heads (which obviously doesn't work...or I would have already tried it by now!)<br />
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And finally,<br />
Lesson #1: <b>Nothing is more precious than a son is to his mother.</b><br />
Despite it all, the dirt, the stench, the heart aches, the sheer pain of learning to let go...nothing in this world has given me more joy than being the mom of this particular boy. Don't get me wrong. I still don't have a clue how the male mind works (although I sometimes think I'm closer now than I was 15 years ago) and I adore having a daughter as well. But the bond between a mother and her son is different somehow. Sure, dads are awesome for doing boy things with...but a mom is special. Who else will learn to roll with the punches like a mom will? And when the world comes crashing down around you, who else would you turn to first? <br />
All my kids are special. They're every one unique individuals. But that boy who stole my heart 15 years ago has truly taught me a whole lot. Including the depth of pride it's possible for a mom to carry in her heart<b></b>.<br />
My son is, unabashedly, himself. He makes no apologies for it. He could care less if you approve or not. And because he's so much more confident than I ever could have thought of being, he's made <i>me</i> appreciate the beauty of just being myself as well. And frankly, that's probably the best lesson he could have ever taught me. <br />
<br />Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-13754291416921818612013-05-15T06:00:00.000-04:002013-05-15T06:00:09.142-04:00To My Baby Boy on His 15th Birthday...<div style="text-align: center;">
Time is a funny thing. The seemingly endless hours and days of youth fade into a blur of passing years as you get older....and it seems that nothing speeds the passage of time as much as being a parent. One minute, you're celebrating the long awaited arrival of the precious one you've spent months imagining...the next, they're bigger than you and learning to spread their wings to fly away from your carefully tended nest.</div>
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15 years ago, I cleaned the entire house top to bottom. I finally got my then 2 year old stepdaughter to acknowledge for the first time that there was a baby in my belly. I was feeling accomplished. I went to bed and snuggled in for a restful night after a long day. It was not to be.</div>
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At 6:18 the next morning, we welcomed a 9 lb 1 oz baby boy into this world. A baby boy who looked more like his daddy than any newborn I have ever laid eyes on. A baby boy who was the talk of the hospital because he came into this world already looking half grown. </div>
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I KNEW this boy was going to change my life. What I could have never imagined was just how<i> much</i>. He introduced me to real motherhood...to being a mommy. He welcomed me into a world where someone else's well being and happiness meant more than my own....a world that was filled with ever increasing amounts of memories which will never fade. </div>
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While in some ways, being a mom to him has gotten a whole lot easier over the passing years, we seem to keep adding challenges to the mix. Watching him rise to greet each one with his amazing sense of humor and growing sense of compassion has brought me more joy than I could have ever believed. </div>
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15 years. It truly seems impossible. I would have never thought that one day I would blink my eyes and find that that impish blonde haired monkey with the bright bubbly laughter and goofy sense of humor would have grown to a nearly 6 ft tall, peach fuzz faced, deep voiced, talented and caring young man that I am faced with now. </div>
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Reality has hit me. I'm old. hahaha. No, seriously. The reality hits a little more with each passing year that my baby boy is getting awfully close to being all grown up. Next year, he'll be driving. The year after that going to prom. And the year after that, graduating. It sincerely seems as if I went to bed one night with a little boy and woke up with a man. </div>
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Caleb, I couldn't be a single shred prouder of the man I see you becoming. Generous, loving, compassionate, smart, and hilariously funny. You are a fantastic big brother...and a giant help to your poor tired mama. </div>
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We've been through it, you and I. To borrow a line from my favorite movie..."If I was going through Hell, I'd only want one person in the whole world beside me"...and that person would without a doubt be you. </div>
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Thank you for choosing me to be your mama, despite the fact that throughout much of your life, I have had NO clue what I was doing. ;) It's pretty awe inspiring to see the results of it all turning out so much better than I could have ever hoped. </div>
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I love you so much.... Happy, happy birthday!</div>
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<br />Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-55160197326190027352013-05-11T22:05:00.001-04:002013-05-11T22:05:55.436-04:00Mother's Day Musings....I've been a "mother" for nearly 18 years now.<br />
It may seem strange to put it that way to most...but in my world, I have been a mother much longer than I have been a mom. And to me, there is a distinct difference.<br />
You become a mother the day you give birth.A simple matter of biology. However, the distinction lies not in the bringing life into this world but in the nurturing of that life once it is here. So, yes. I have been a mother for coming up on 18 years in August....but I have only been a mom since Caleb came into this world 15 years ago this coming Wednesday.<br />
In my eyes, a mom is the one who changes millions of diapers, who wakes multiple times in the night to feed crying babies, the one who bathes, dresses, and cares for the day to day needs of that child. She is the one who kisses scraped knees and soothes bruised egos, the one who wipes away tears and laughs at pure childhood silliness. She sings songs. She reads stories. She sits up all night with sick kiddos, and worries incessantly about broken bones, bullies, and readying their children for a world that is often cruel. She is not afraid of puke, or snot, or slobber. Most days she walks around with one of the three smeared across her chest like a badge of honor. Being a mom means getting down and dirty, and not shying away from making the hard decisions or being the bad guy, even when its the most difficult thing to be but its in her child's best interest.<br />
You become a mom, not by giving birth, but by slogging through the day to day drudgery of motherhood itself. <br />
We mothers tend to carry around a whole lot of guilt...and sometimes with that nasty guilt complex comes a heavy sense of failure. I want to say right now...on Mother's Day.....you are NOT a failure. We are all just stumbling through life in general, doing the best we can to just put one foot in front of the other most days.There isn't a manual. There isn't any way to have a set plan. We all just make decisions based on what we think is best, sometimes good decisions, sometimes not so good. Motherhood isn't any different. You WILL make mistakes. You WILL have to make hard choices. Your child will more than likely at some point tell you that you are a horrible mother or that they hate you. They'll be convinced that your whole goal is to ruin their lives. And you know what? They don't mean a word of it. Even if they don't realize it at the time. One of these days, when they become parents themselves, they're going to be just like you. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, take heart that they're going to be flattering the hell out of you. :) <br />
So what I am asking of you is this....When those old feelings of failure creep up on you, when the laundry and dirty dishes are piling up, the kids are screaming, and you feel like crawling into bed to do nothing but cry, please remember this. <i><b>You are amazing</b></i>. No one else on this Earth is as capable of being your children's mother as you are. Keep your head up and keep fighting the good fight. And never, ever forget that by cleaning puke, and wiping tears, and kissing sweetly smelling heads good night, you are earning your title...the one which deserves nothing but the highest respect....MOM.<br />
Happy Mother's Day...from me to you. :)Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-18018173275478044092013-05-01T15:24:00.002-04:002013-05-01T15:24:39.884-04:00Fear, Frustration, and All the Nasty Side Effects of Pregnancy Hormones....Posts two days in a row? What is wrong with me??<br />
I just need to work through some of the thoughts running through my mind and since writing (whether publicly or not) seems to be cathartic for me, here I am.<br />
We're coming up on the 30 week mark for this pregnancy. I have been thoroughly enjoying a nondescript, relatively easy pregnancy for the majority of the last 7 and 1/2 months. Nothing too exciting or worrisome going on, regular doctor appointments without any of the extras thrown in...all in all, your average run of the mill pregnancy. A far cry from my pregnancy with Liddy.<br />
The one thing I have struggled with, silently mostly, has been fear. Labor with Liddy was excruciatingly long. Delivery itself was easy but led to a hemorrhage which resulted in my needing to receive two units of blood and labor that continued for an additional two days post-birth before delivering...well, let's just say, a nasty surprise. I feel strongly as if I kissed the face of the Grim Reaper and somehow, miraculously, made it through still alive and breathing. To say that I am scared of giving birth again is a slight understatement. I am literally terrified. TERRIFIED.<br />
I've practically begged for a C-section. 5 doctors have told us that it isn't necessary, that the chances of a repeat performance of my own personal nightmare are slim to none, that the chances for similar complications during or following a c-section are greater than those having one more natural birth. They assure me that there is no way that I will be induced for nearly 4 days before having a baby again. They assure me that this time I will not go to the bathroom and receive a nasty surprise. They assure me that I will find that I have no need for an emergency D&C. Yet. Their reassurances do little in the way of ACTUALLY assuring me. That old nagging fear still plagues me.<br />
And now...well, so much is uncertain for little Levi. We are still waiting to find out if my liver is failing in its duties due to the pregnancy. If it is, we face a baby who will be forced to be brought into this world before he is actually ready. We face an almost repeat performance of the last months of my pregnancy with Liddy....a steady stream of doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, and non-stress tests. Dreaded uncertainty mixed with excitement and joy at his birth.And as much as I have feared for the last 4 months for myself, I now fear more for him.<br />
Here's the thing. I truly didn't believe that I was strong enough to make it through everything we have been through with Liddy without falling completely apart. I was wrong. I came through with colors flying, more confident than ever that I am one tough cookie, that my God is mighty and just, and thanking God over and over that I never had to face anything like that again. Almost the first entire year of her life, I was so choked with fear that it was a relief to have that weight lifted from my shoulders and to live without that ever present worry constantly tapping me on my shoulder. I never expected to have any more children. I thought I was done and that surviving that year intact was my own personal badge of honor. I carried it as such. And now, faced with a similar (but not the same) circumstances, I fall right back into the "Poor me. I don't think I can deal with this again" trap, one which I am helpless to combat, yet one that frustrates me to no end.<br />
I cry at the drop of a hat. I cuss. I snap at the people I love most in this world. The fear, the uncertainty, is once again winning. And I HATE that. I look around myself and see other parents and friends dealing with so much more...devastating unforeseen circumstances...potentially life altering illnesses....and I want to smack my own face. WTH do I have to be afraid of? A NICU stay? Big whoop. We've been there before. Adding more stress to a plate already overflowing? Well, been there too and, I'm sure, will be there again. Death? I've faced that, both with myself and with my precious daughter, and I feel strongly that my time isn't done here just yet. I have work left to finish. Yet. Again, the fear remains.<br />
I feel like I am whining. That's not my intention by any means. I suppose that writing this is a little bit of cheap therapy, a reminder that I am not in charge, despite my delusions of grandeur, and that I need to leave all these crazy thoughts and fears in the hands of the only Someone who actually IS. Apparently, it worked for now since I started out writing with tears rolling down my face and those tears have dried....<br />
Still, I ask you to pray for us....to pray for a safe delivery of a healthy baby boy (whenever that may be), to pray for peace for his potentially crazy hormonal mama, and to pray for patience for his daddy, who bless his heart, is the one who most often gets to deal with all the hormonal mama madness. <br />
<br />Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-50940395078085227562013-04-30T07:54:00.001-04:002013-04-30T07:54:20.720-04:00The Reality Is....I've had something on my mind this morning. As I was scrolling through my Facebook feed when I got up, a link to an article a friend had posted last night caught my eye. It was a blog post written by someone who I am sure is more professional a writer than I am and who has been a parent of a little girl with Down syndrome slightly longer than I have. The title itself put me on edge somewhat,<a href="http://www.parents.com/blogs/to-the-max/2012/10/22/autism/my-child-with-down-syndrome-is-not-a-gift-from-god/"> "My Child with Down Syndrome is Not a Gift From God."</a> Of course, I had to go read it. There were some things I STRONGLY disagreed with.<br />
Now, don't get me wrong. I fully believe that every parent has a different journey. I believe that all of us were "given" a child with Down syndrome for different reasons, despite the fact that sometimes its difficult to completely grasp what exactly those reasons are. And I totally get that our kids are not all the stereotypical angels full of nothing but sunshine and never ending joy. I live myself with a very real two year old hellion, who has the most magical smile, but who can also go from sweetness and light to a biting, kicking, smacking, temper tantrum throwing heathen in the blink of an eye.<br />
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Lydia is, without a doubt, equal parts her father and myself. The good, the bad and the sometimes ugly. Down syndrome, while a large part of who she is essentially, does not in any way <i>DEFINE</i> who she is. She is, simply, herself. However, where I beg to differ with the a fore mentioned article is here: While she is equal parts her father and me, she also possesses her own qualities that are MORE than anything we could have ever given her. And I have to believe in my heart that God, in His infinite wisdom, bestowed and polished those qualities within her which would give her those things she requires to overcome the unique challenges she has faced, and will continue to face, in her life.<br />
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No one wants to hand their 13 lb six month old over for open heart surgery. No parent wants to sit in a waiting room for 8 hours, jumping every time a nurse or a doctor passes by, waiting impatiently for the news that all is well yet fearing the opposite. No parent in their right mind would choose that for their child, or themselves. However, having walked that path, I can say without a single shred of doubt that those hours in surgery, the painstaking process of repairing a tiny heart which would not have continued to beat without those surgeon's hands, without that ordeal, without the painful and long recovery filled with set backs, none of us, including Liddy, would be the same people we are today.<br />
No one wants to watch their child struggle through hours of therapy to do the things that other children do without careful consideration and tons of practice. We work UP to major tasks that come so easily to other babies, younger than she is. I wouldn't have chosen this for her...However, it was the life given to us and her drive, her stubbornness, her sassy attitude give her the motivation to try hundreds of times if that's what it takes...and it makes the accomplishing that much sweeter. I've been the mom of a typical developing toddler and I can guarantee that, although the accomplishments were exactly the same milestones met, those accomplishments were, while causes for joy, never celebrated the way they are now. Maybe that makes me less of a mother to my son than I am to my daughter in your eyes. In my eyes, it was all a matter of simply lacking the perspective I have now.<br />
No one wants their child to be stared at, made fun of, or hurt. I choose to believe (and more often than not, I'm right) that Liddy gets stares where ever we go because, let's face it. She's gorgeous. She's captivating. There's a magical quality within her that makes people every where stop and gather near her for just a glimpse of her heart stopping smile or a bright bubbly "hi".<br />
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That's, again, part of who she is...the precious imp with the alabaster skin of her great-great grandma, with the big blue eyes of her mama, with the same nose and mouth as her brother but with a smile entirely of her own. Will she have her feelings hurt at some point in her life? More than likely. Just as more than likely some day some little punk is going to tease her for the very thing I revere so much in her, her uniqueness. But I hope, with all of my heart, that the self confidence and acceptance of herself that we are fostering in her now will carry her through those hard times. And if not, then she will always have her mama to cuddle her and remind her how very much she is loved. For exactly who she is, Down syndrome and all.<br />
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So with all that being said, I agree to respectfully disagree with the author who believes that her child isn't a gift from God. It's completely within your rights to believe that. As for me, I fully believe that <i>my</i> child is. One given to teach me, and so many others, lessons we never even knew we needed to learn before her existence. And for every single thing she has taught me...patience, unconditional love, confidence, pure unadulterated joy, heart ache, faith, tenacity, and the power of God's infinite grace....I am immensely thankful. <br />
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<br />Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-18286651244455944712013-03-28T21:53:00.001-04:002013-03-28T21:53:16.948-04:00A Break From the NormThis post won't be about Liddy. It won't really be about Down syndrome. It'll be a break from what this blog usually focuses on....simply because I feel strongly the need to put my two cents into an ongoing debate that is the focus of a whole lot of attention this week...and will continue to be in the coming weeks, and even possibly months. Gay marriage. I'm sure that I don't have a lot to say that hasn't been said already (and more than likely somewhere with much wider readership than my own humble blog) but I DO feel that it still needs to be said.<br />
I am a heterosexual woman. I consider myself to be a Christian, despite the fact that I don't currently attend church. I was raised in the church and while I may not know everything about the Bible, I do know enough to get by and to try to live according to God's will. Not that I always live a Godly life. I sin. I make mistakes. I am forced to ask for God's forgiveness on a regular basis.<br />
With all that being said, I wholeheartedly support gay marriage. It's probably not a subject that I had ever given much thought to before Liddy was born and if I had had a leaning one way or the other, I probably wouldn't have voiced it publicly. Before Liddy, I was sort of a coward, I'm ashamed to admit. A rock the boat sort of girl I have never been. However, the person I was before Liddy has been changed and the new person I have become simply can not and will not remain silent when I am faced with what I believe to be injustice and inequality.<br />
Who am I to say that someone should not enjoy the rights I myself enjoy or the rights that I fight so hard for for my daughter because they were born with a different sexual preference than I myself was? How can I not openly embrace the couples I know who are loving and deeply committed to each other, who accept others for who they are without question? And how can I, as a self proclaimed Christian, declare them as sinners unworthy of compassion, acceptance and love?<br />
So while I see the divide grow, even within our Down syndrome community, I can't help but ask myself..."How does this happen?" How does the same group of individuals who fight so hard for their own children's inclusion, acceptance, and basic human rights turn their backs on another group of people who are only asking for the same thing? Because, in essence, that is PRECISELY what is happening when someone declares their aversion to everyone being treated equally.<br />
"The Bible says that homosexuality is an abomination." I hear you. The Bible also says that anyone who eats the fat of an animal should be cut off from their people, any one who blasphemes the name of the Lord should be put to death, we shouldn't eat beef, or cut our hair, or wear clothing woven of different fabrics. More importantly, it says that we should love our neighbors as ourselves, leave the judgement to God and forgive the sins of others, just as they forgive us of our own. So where do we get off proclaiming to be Christian, yet acting so very un-Christ-like? I'm pretty sure that Jesus would be highly disappointed in some of His people right now.<br />
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Hmmm. So who here is capable of casting that first stone? I know for sure it's not me. And I am pretty positive it's probably not you either.<br />
So can we all just agree to disagree, if that is the case, and let others live their lives as they so choose? Can we let them marry who they wish, whether we condone it or not? Because in my opinion, we're all just people searching for happiness and personal fulfillment. Most of us want a better world for our kids to grow up in. A whole lot of us fight tooth and nail for our kids to have the same rights that "typical" people do.And I would bet solid money that if someone tried to make a law that said kids with Ds could never get married, all Hell would break loose. I know I'd be right there fighting for all I was worth. Which is why I'm throwing my hat into THIS fight as well. These people who want nothing more than to get married are someone's children, someone's sisters and someone's brothers. Someday it might be YOUR child. And don't we all deep down just want our kids to be happy?<br />
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Spread love, not hate. Because the world could really use a whole lot more of one and a whole lot less of the other.......Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-39432876322143356102013-03-21T08:53:00.002-04:002013-03-21T08:53:41.607-04:00Who We Are- WDSD 2013When we started this journey 2 and 1/2 years ago, we had no idea what to expect. Our firsthand knowledge about Down syndrome was limited at best and everywhere we turned, we heard more negatives than positives. We didn't reach out to the Ds community (in fact, I'm pretty sure that we had little idea that such a large community even existed!). We moved through the days remaining before Liddy's birth in a fog, never knowing that love and support was as close as reaching out through our computer screens.<br />
2 years ago, on March 21st, 2011, everything changed for us. As I haltingly, hesitantly made my way through what seemed like thousands of posts, I cried a whole lot. And something more...those posts celebrating kids and adults who shared an extra chromosome with my Liddy showed me a whole new world existed that I never dreamed of. I opened my heart, my mind and my arms to a whole new family.<br />
Over the last two years, I have grown to dearly love this worldwide family. There have been so many times that I don't know how I would have made it through that first year without them.We HAVE a support system, a loving family and truly amazing friends, yet somehow having friends who have walked in your shoes and have paved the way for you gives you courage and strength that you didn't know you had. The difference between those first bumbling steps into the Ds world to the confident strides we now walk with are in part largely due to these amazing ladies and gents who have shown us the way......<br />
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So who are we today? We are an average family who has faced what to some seem like extraordinary challenges. We are battle scarred, yet those scars add to our beauty, not detract away from it. We are stronger than we could have ever imagined we could be. We have faced the darkest days we could have dreamed of two and a half years ago and emerged into the light again, more confident, more faithful, more dedicated, more amazing than ever before. We have realized that the dreams we had for Liddy are still achievable, still within our grasp, and that she is perfectly capable of becoming whoever she sets her mind to be. We are more in love with our daughter, our sister, our grandchild, our niece, and our cousin than we could have ever believed was possible. We are inspired by her determination, her grace, and her inner beauty on a daily basis. This girl SHINES.<br />
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Who is Liddy? Well, that answer is a little more complicated. ;) She is a fanny shaking, finger snapping, car dancing angel. She is a sassy and sweet princess who never lets you forget for a single moment that SHE rules this household and has all of its occupants wrapped around her tiny crooked pinky. She is a little sister totally enraptured with her big brothers (and totally captivating to them as well). She is bubbly, and spunky, and stubborn. She is the very sunshine on a cloudy day. She is giggles and grins, pouty lips and crocodile tears. She is belly laughs and silliness. She is typical two year old attitude coupled with sweet baby loving. In essence, the light of our lives. :) <br />
Happy World Down syndrome Day! Looking forward to a lifetime of celebrating the tiny package of dynamite we named Lydia Anne.<br />
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<br />Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-60915416702283094912013-03-13T22:19:00.001-04:002013-03-13T22:19:03.755-04:00A Glimpse Two Years Later.....<div style="text-align: center;">
I have slacked off on blogging badly over the last several months. It would be an adequate (and forgivable) excuse to claim that I simply don't have the time (or energy) to sit down at the keys of my computer and pour my soul out to the world at large nowadays but the real reason is that I find myself sitting here without the inspiration TO pour my soul out. Not that I fail to find inspiration daily in my daughter, or that I love her even a smidgeon less today than I did during all those nearly forgotten days of writing her love letters. Neither of those is true either. But it's funny. The very thing that inspired me to start this blog is the very reason I find myself without words now.</div>
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2 years in and Down syndrome, while still a part of who my daughter is, is the <i>least</i> of who she is. Our lives don't center around that extra chromosome like they did in the beginning. It just is and our lives...well, they have settled into just <i>normalcy</i>. </div>
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Without the constant stream of doctor's appointments and tests, without the constant worry about an upcoming open heart surgery, without the concern about what others think of her, we're just an average family with 2 active boys, a pregnant nursing student, and a crazy schedule chasing around a very normal two year old with a few developmental delays. </div>
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Its amazing to me looking back on those early days after just finding out that Liddy has Down syndrome how far we have come in so short a time. How far <b>I</b> have come, to be honest. There was a time not so long ago when I truly believed that nothing would ever be normal again. A time when all of my thoughts revolved around Down syndrome, when every time I looked at my daughter I searched for the signs of it written in the shape of her eyes, the bridge of her tiny nose, and her crinkle eyed smile. A time when I couldn't imagine how very proud of her I would be, how much she would inspire me, or how ridiculously smart she would be. Not so long ago, I was taken aback and struck speechless by the straggling few who looked at her and KNEW. </div>
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2 years later, I never see Down syndrome when I look at her. I just see my spunky, ornery, funny, intelligent, gorgeous daughter. My sweet Liddy. Take away that little extra chromosome? She wouldn't be the girl I love to distraction. She wouldn't be the bubbly girl who greets everyone with her cheery "hi". She wouldn't capture hearts with a flash of her heart stopping crinkle eye smile.Her orneriness wouldn't fill me with so much pride (haha it would just drive me crazy!). Her cuddly, pat you on the back hugs wouldn't be quite so treasured.</div>
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Every day that passes I forget about Down syndrome just a little more and fall in love with the unique individual that is my child a whole LOT more. </div>
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I mean....seriously....how could I do anything less? </div>
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<br />So please forgive me if I lack the eloquence of my previous posts...or if my posts are few and far between nowadays. I'm chasing around a VERY inquisitive 2 year old....</div>
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...and frankly, just soaking up every minute of just being her mama. :)</div>
Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-54027510429950500492013-03-06T22:05:00.000-05:002013-03-06T22:05:10.145-05:00Big Changes.....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKHg07yz8tP8h77J1hYF3uRLUmBgQJ8oaSpaKwWJ8RTj25v4mUbeNKeKhGwBC-2gtYmzE9xctdk6M2r0uYaIvzlkQe82dpy7EHl0_4LOVr-OvMX_7PT0zPiQSVJmv3G1mDL5DdYofy3Fk/s1600/sillybaby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKHg07yz8tP8h77J1hYF3uRLUmBgQJ8oaSpaKwWJ8RTj25v4mUbeNKeKhGwBC-2gtYmzE9xctdk6M2r0uYaIvzlkQe82dpy7EHl0_4LOVr-OvMX_7PT0zPiQSVJmv3G1mDL5DdYofy3Fk/s400/sillybaby.jpg" width="238" /></a></div>
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There are big things going on in our house.....</div>
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Liddy is very very close to walking. She's into everything. She talks our heads off....and knows around 50 signs. </div>
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She gets cuter by the minute, I swear. And she knows it.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw5S3iG_b5dmFYNOh57y_1N3rzI4HmBE6ijFLy7csAdg1wz02SQOAH-giAcZyvQqfiiWfCHya3d_fbRTmsmMnwKnTK3d30wzmFt_nbiT78_7lXN3jWI4OOUQgzY4DQBwi33XnkkGlx2Ng/s1600/laughingliddy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw5S3iG_b5dmFYNOh57y_1N3rzI4HmBE6ijFLy7csAdg1wz02SQOAH-giAcZyvQqfiiWfCHya3d_fbRTmsmMnwKnTK3d30wzmFt_nbiT78_7lXN3jWI4OOUQgzY4DQBwi33XnkkGlx2Ng/s400/laughingliddy.jpg" width="238" /></a></div>
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I'm entering the second 8 week stretch of my second semester of nursing school. Which just means I am super busy...a little stressed...and ready for the summer off......</div>
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Although its looking like there won't be a whole lot of down time this summer...and no beach time. Instead, we're going to welcoming a new addition.....</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Say WHAT???</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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Meet Levi John.....who will be making his arrival sometime in early to mid-July....</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7vM_eKR8-kUkkeJYHJOOThAI-UhDUVDkdS-5PNW53tAvxBe05z5m51uf_86vkQI11dqXJunjzLxbXa1NAFpHu_tA77LwQtgOCtG_E1tN0GUyz1J6vE5c-OVC8cAOFiWxROJwnzOJxGSA/s1600/levi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7vM_eKR8-kUkkeJYHJOOThAI-UhDUVDkdS-5PNW53tAvxBe05z5m51uf_86vkQI11dqXJunjzLxbXa1NAFpHu_tA77LwQtgOCtG_E1tN0GUyz1J6vE5c-OVC8cAOFiWxROJwnzOJxGSA/s400/levi.jpg" width="238" /></a></div>
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So far things are looking great. He's a rocker and roller already....and a big old boy. Pretty sure that the tiny Princess will be getting a run for her money here in a few months......and right now she has no idea. ;)</div>
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So here's to big things in our future......</div>
Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-41595492086521753832013-01-05T14:04:00.006-05:002014-01-03T07:43:48.493-05:00To My Two Year Old....<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIqMnduLuSsepO6qJoHfVWSD_DMiYWsxMKHRg2tz0P9qOGy_63pv8605168IpGXSwfGbB9vhPpNKv-4WvWOH_vrORAywRUQ_qBUi5FuDu41YygvdJwYaplJPp1jMTwCqL_qyK9Q18-Wsc/s1600/740654_10151355230145860_1398185025_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIqMnduLuSsepO6qJoHfVWSD_DMiYWsxMKHRg2tz0P9qOGy_63pv8605168IpGXSwfGbB9vhPpNKv-4WvWOH_vrORAywRUQ_qBUi5FuDu41YygvdJwYaplJPp1jMTwCqL_qyK9Q18-Wsc/s400/740654_10151355230145860_1398185025_o.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Dearest Liddy,</div>
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I find that the older I get, the faster time passes by. It seems to me that it was just yesterday, I was looking into your beautiful face for the very first time. It's incomprehensible that I have been blessed enough to stare at that same gorgeous face every day for 730 days.....</div>
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We've been through some rough times together, you and I. Some of those 730 days took every bit of the strength I could muster to make it through. But more often than not, our days are simply filled with hugs, and kisses, and smiles, and laughter. That is the greatest blessing that you have brought into my life....the ability to make me smile no matter how bad my day is, how tired I am, or how overwhelming life sometimes gets. </div>
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There have been other gifts you have given and lessons you have patiently taught over the last 2 years. </div>
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Love without reservation. Pray without ceasing. Dancing even when no one is watching. Persistence, grace, and God's infinite mercy. Determination. Patience. Faith in my own strength. There are so many more.....and I know that as you grow, you will continue to teach me with every passing day. </div>
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You greet each morning with a smile on your face....and a bubbly "hi". You dance in the car when the mood strikes you. You sing, loudly, without any thought or care for what others think. You laugh (a lot). You sometimes act crazy (which always makes ME laugh). </div>
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I'm mama to some pretty amazing kids but you are truly the most amazing of them all. </div>
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When we first heard the words Down syndrome, it broke my heart into a thousand pieces. Your birth, and being witness to your life, has knit those broken pieces back together. </div>
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I don't know why you chose me to be your mama. I don't know what I did to deserve it. But I am beyond grateful for every single day of the last two years....even the hard ones....</div>
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This year was full of changes for all of us. But it was also a year filled with less worry, less fear, and more thankfulness. This coming year is bringing even more changes. But I know that without a doubt, you will rise to the challenge, as you always do, with a beaming, beautiful smile on your face. You are going to be one amazing big sister! :)</div>
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I love you more than life, baby. Happy happy birthday!</div>
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XOXOXOXO,</div>
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Mommy</div>
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<br />Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-88469993879215074292012-10-19T13:43:00.000-04:002012-10-19T13:44:52.935-04:00Autumn Musings<div style="text-align: center;">
Indiana. The weather here seems to change in the blink of an eye. One day it's warm enough to wear shorts and t-shirts and the next dawns much cooler, forcing us to break out sweatshirts and jeans. I finally gave up on the hope for summer's return and packed all the warm weather clothes away for the year. The mornings often bring a fresh dusting of frost now and the days grow shorter and shorter. Leaves crackle underfoot, as the trees adorn themselves with glorious colors one last time before a long winter of raising naked arms to grey winter skies.</div>
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The skies seem especially blue, and the glorious colors of fall's splendor against the earthy browns of freshly plowed fields and technicolor skies brings out the poet in me......</div>
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And although I usually adore the arrival of fall, I find that this year I'm also desperately sad to say goodbye to summer's more fiery temperament. Our family made a whole lot of beautiful, one of a kind memories this summer and even though I know those moments will live on in my heart, and in photographs, I know that our time for having these moments, all of us together, is drawing to a close. We will never again have <i>this</i> summer. After all, some memories are only made once in a lifetime.....</div>
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Still, amidst all the longing to stop time and hold all these moments close to my heart and never let go, despite my desire to keep my children the age they are now, time does march on. Babies grow up. Teenagers grow ever closer to the day they are adults. As sad as that makes me, I know we're continually making memories together. </div>
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And as long as we're together, I will treasure each one and store them away individually for the days in the future when we're apart. Goodbye summer 2012. I, for one, will miss you dearly.........</div>
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<br />Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-13680889840433341812012-10-06T04:20:00.000-04:002012-10-06T04:20:01.262-04:00Thoughts on the Journey....I've written a whole lot of posts about my feelings about finding out that Liddy has Down syndrome. I don't think that I need to reiterate to anyone who has read my blog over the last year and a half that it was quite a roller coaster ride, even AFTER she was here and I could hug her whenever I wanted to. If you've been in my shoes, you already know what that is like any way.......<br />
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Over the last almost two years, I have learned a whole lot; about Down syndrome, about Liddy, and about myself. Some of those lessons have been hard as Hell to grasp or to accept. Some of them have been painfully difficult just to live through. There have been days that I hated the fact that my sweet baby girl has to work so hard to do things that the babies around us do with very little effort at all. There have been (so many) heartbreaking losses in the extended Ds family over the last year that some days I almost wish that I never had reason to become a member. My empathetic nature makes it hard for me to not feel deeply for those in pain and there simply isn't an off switch for the emotions I feel when another angel joins his or her 47 chromosome brothers and sisters in Heaven, leaving parents, siblings, family and friends confused, sad and broken here on Earth without them.<br />
Despite all of that, the good days far outnumber the bad ones. And the friendships I have made among my fellow parents in the Ds community are as vital to me as the air I breathe. They provide me with love and support and a healthy dash of reality. They encourage me, not just as Liddy's mom, but as just a woman, trying to balance it all....being a mom, being a wife, daughter, granddaughter, niece, sister and aunt, being a friend and being a student. Quite frankly, some of the women I consider my best friends are women I have never met face to face, which is strange to say out loud, but those women love me and love my daughter every bit as much as I love them and their children. We cheer for each others' kids' accomplishments, we pray together, and we rally around when one of our own is in trouble or in pain. No way would I truly wish to trade in my membership to this little club that none of us knew we wanted to join until we did.<br />
And as for the reason I belong to this club....I couldn't be any more grateful for her. She is truly perfect in every way, even with her premature terrible two tantrums and her hair pulling, face scratching, food throwing naughtiness. She's sassy, she's spunky, she's incredibly smart. The baby who used to shy away from any one who wasn't her mommy or daddy greets everyone she meets with a bubbly "hi" and reaches out to touch them if they get close enough. Our days are filled with ornery giggles and endless rounds of "What's this?" Her vocabulary grows every day and while not so long ago we were serenaded by constant streams of baby babble, now we hear strings of real words....a steady conversation of sorts.<br />
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There's no way around it. My tiny girl is growing up. <br />
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And even looking back on the rough times over the last two years, all of those days that I thought I couldn't take one more step, all of the tears I have cried, all of the hours I have spent sitting in waiting rooms or perched beside a tiny body in a huge hospital crib amidst the endless chirping of heart monitors, I wouldn't change a second. All of it, Down syndrome included, has made my daughter who she is and I think she's pretty awesome. When it comes down to it, it's made me who I am too. It's made me more patient, more compassionate, more open minded, more determined. It's made me slow down and evaluate what is truly important in life and what is just, well, stuff. It's made me the kind of mama who cries when her children accomplish things, not because I am sad that they are growing up, but because I am completely, totally overwhelmed with pride in <i>them</i> and every bit as much in awe that they are mine.<br />
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Is this the journey I had planned? Not even close. But I gotta tell you that its waaayyy better than what I had in mind. And besides that, when you become a parent, regardless of the circumstances, you learn quite quickly that there are some things you just can't plan for.<br />
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Every child is different, unique, an individual, no matter what their chromosome count is. Therefore, the journey is constantly changing. The destination is constantly changing. And the path you take to get there is always changing too. But kids are only little for a short time. So sit back and enjoy the ride while it lasts...........<br />
<br />Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-50205818657399838852012-09-27T17:27:00.003-04:002012-09-27T17:27:33.673-04:00Photo Drop/UpdateI find that my free time is so limited that I rarely have the chance to blog any more. I miss it. I miss all of you.<br />
Nursing school has brought about big changes in our family dynamics. Liddy stays with her Daddy while I go to school. That seems to be really good for her.....she's becoming more outgoing and not such a horrible Mama's girl (not that I minded! lol)<br />
She had her tonsils and adenoids out about 5 weeks ago...on the Friday before school started for me. We had had a sleep study done a few weeks before and apparently, Liddy had SEVERE sleep apnea (like stop breathing every 2 minutes severe!). So her tonsils were removed on an emergency basis. Very quickly. Very unexpectedly. We met with the pulmanologist on Wednesday, the ENT on Thursday, and she was in surgery on Friday. Recovery was rough. REALLY rough. BUT, although I can't medically prove it, that surgery made a world of difference in what we see Liddy being able to do.<br />
Before surgery, any huge developmental milestones came one at a time. Any progress towards something else would come to a complete halt until she "got" the other skill down. In the last 5 weeks, all of that has changed. She started crawling less than 2 weeks out.....and she's into EVERYTHING now! Not only that, her language and signing skills have exploded! She has roughly 15 signs that she knows and can use, and I lost count of how many actual words. She's pulling up to furniture. She's standing to play. And despite the fact that she has never been a fine motor star, she's now pointing, pushing buttons and using a darn near professional pincher grasp.<br />
These last few weeks have been an amazing ride to say the least. :)<br />
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Now what you've been waiting for...PICS!<br />
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<br />Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-62111642825716251012012-08-16T23:03:00.001-04:002012-08-16T23:09:21.788-04:0017 years......<div style="text-align: center;">
Dearest Amanda,</div>
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In just a few short hours, you will turn 17. </div>
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You came into this world in the wee hours of the morning...1:37 am....with barely a whisper. You had my heart from the moment I laid eyes on you. </div>
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If I close my eyes, I can almost still feel the weight of you in my arms and smell the sweet aroma of the top of your precious head. I can so easily be transported back to nights sleeping with you cuddled by my side because I knew that our days together were numbered and I wanted as many memories as I could gather to carry me through the many days that lie ahead, days when I would have to walk without you beside me.</div>
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Those early days seem so long ago...days when I thought that this day would never come. Days when it seemed that 18 years was an eternity. And now...now, you are the same age as I was when you were born. One year remaining before I may have the chance to truly know YOU, instead of the baby in my memories.</div>
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I do not doubt for a second that I did what was best for you all those years ago. I know, unequivocally, that you have a good life, full of everything I could have ever wished for you and a whole lot of things that even my immature mind couldn't have ever imagined. Your life, as seen through pictures, is full...full of love, full of family, full of joy. </div>
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I have watched you grow...changing from a tiny baby....</div>
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to a beautiful young lady.....</div>
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You are more breathtaking with every passing year. </div>
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When I started this journey, I could have never saw myself as the person I am today. YOU are a big part of why I am who I am now. YOU get the credit for motivating me to become a better person, to chase my dreams, to become someone that hopefully someday you'll be proud of.</div>
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I know I will never be your mom. I didn't earn it. But I hope that I can always be your friend....... </div>
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Happy birthday, beautiful girl.</div>
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I love you. Now and always.</div>
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<br />Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-72769169016627339502012-08-02T16:33:00.002-04:002012-08-02T16:33:30.926-04:00Why?I sit at my computer tonight with a heart heavy with grief, heavy with unanswered questions, and heavy with a healthy amount of empathy for yet another family who are left without the light of their lives tonight. It seems the losses keep stacking up, one atop the other. The grieving of our Ds family barely ends before we are grieving again.<br />
I hope Heaven fully appreciates the angels those in our family have sent their way.<br />
I imagine them all gathered together, all those who have gained their wings, laughing and playing, filling Heaven's halls with the sound of their exuberant voices singing. I imagine the crinkly eyed smiles, as well as little feet running. I imagine the angels already in Heaven lining up to greet the newest arrivals....and I imagine Jesus, on His throne, with precious 47 chromosome babies crawling all over His lap. Its a beautiful picture to me....but even that beautiful picture can't stop my heart from breaking or these mamas from hurting in ways that I can't even imagine.<br />
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As I laid in bed wide awake last night, Liddy asleep in the pack n play beside me, her sweet breaths called to me. That calling refused to let me go until I had no choice but to scoop her up. As I pulled her as gently as possible out of her bed, she wrapped her chubby arms around my neck and snuggled right in. I spent the next few hours, cuddled in bed with her warm body beside me, talking to God. Thanking Him again and again for this precious being beside me, for allowing me another day to be her mama, for seeing fit to protect her for at least a few hours more. I prayed that He would give me the wisdom to guide my other children with the love and respect they deserve. I prayed that He would continue to show me the path I should be walking, that He would continue to mold me. I prayed for Him to take my fear and make it something beautiful for His glory. I prayed for safe travels for these angels, gone too soon. And I prayed for their mamas, their papas, their sisters and brothers who have been left with empty arms and shattered hearts.<br />
I don't understand. I'm sure that I will NEVER understand. But in the midst of my ongoing dialogue last night some things became a little clearer.....<br />
Ever hear the song "Blessings" by Laura Story? What if Laura has it exactly right? What if we, as humans, have to walk through the dark places, have to cry, have to have sadness, in order to truly appreciate the beauty, the fragility, the fleetingness of happiness? What if we can never truly have one without the other? The yin and yang. Darkness and light. Happiness and sadness. Love and loss. Don't they all sort of go together? Aren't they all sort of a part of life itself? If there was no darkness, how would we recognize the light? If there were no sadness,how would we know when we were happy? If there was never any loss, how would we grasp the beauty, the freedom, the joy of being loving and being loved in return? <br />
Fear. Fear is an immobilizer. It steals your breath. It steals your freedom. It puts you in chains, the same as being enslaved. In reality, we become slaves...slaves to the things that fear steals away, including our true selves. I think that its normal, acceptable even, to have a healthy dose of fear when something horrific and unexpected happens. Its not the appearance of fear that we need to concern ourselves with. Its the remaining, the allowing it to move in and take up residence in our hearts.<br />
Life is fleeting. Life is more fragile than we truly understand on a day to day basis. But that doesn't mean we stop living for fear of dying. In fact, to me, it means that we have no choice but to take all that life has to offer with both hands and hold on for dear life. Our destinations are always the same...its the journey that truly counts.<br />
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RIP sweet angels. Thank you for showing the rest of us mere mortals that life is worth living, no matter how long or short a time it lasts. Thank you for reminding us that everything can change in the blink of an eye and that no one ever knows when the sand runs out beforehand. Thank you for reminding ME of how very blessed I am...and for reminding me who is truly in charge. Thank you for bringing us joy with your smiles. I hope with all of my heart that when I get to Heaven there is a band of 47 chromosome angels to greet me.<br />
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<br />Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5452647027994558679.post-50709370279193685022012-07-24T11:40:00.001-04:002012-07-24T11:42:08.147-04:00Achieving the Impossible....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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That's right. Look at IDSC for Life's newest poster girl.... :)Heidi Ehlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05361803948338350526noreply@blogger.com2