“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”
~A.A. Milne, from "Winnie the Pooh"

Friday, October 7, 2011

Unanswered Prayers

It seems to be an even balance...between the moms who knew about their child's DS beforehand and those that found out after birth. No matter when the news came, we all faced the great unknown and got on with things. Not that we didn't all cry, or rail at God, or a combination of both. But in the end, we all held our heads up high and kept right on trucking. Even if the smiles and bravado were temporarily fake.

I've read a whole lot of back and forth from parents on both sides of the coin about whether they would have wanted to know earlier or not have known until the moment their sweet baby slid into this world.
If you have followed our story, you already know that we were a family who knew beforehand. We found out about Liddy's heart defect around the time I was 6 months pregnant. We were strongly urged at that point to have an amnio in an effort to put in place the best possible plan for her care ahead of time. We found out two days later that Liddy had Downs Syndrome as well.

I didn't even want to know for so long. In a matter of five minutes, everything changed and it became necessary to know.
The remainder of my pregnancy wasn't easy. There were weeks at a time that I broke down in tears every time I found myself in an exam room. It seemed as if no one had any good news to tell us. Just another string of issues.....and more worst case scenarios. Echos and stress tests. Doctors. Doctors. And more doctors (I think at one point I was seeing 5!). Stress, lots and lots of stress. 
But I can quite honestly say, that as for me, I'm glad we knew.
I think I was more in tune with Lydia prenatally because I knew. I was more attentive to the little things. I feel like I knew her inside and out long before I had ever held her in my arms. 
I knew she was spunky. I knew she was strong. I knew she loved music, and danced every chance she got. I knew she already had a love affair with her thumbs. I knew that she reacted to someone saying her name (even if they weren't even talking about her). I knew she had chubby cheeks, the sweetest smile, and a head full of hair. I also knew that she had a broken heart, which would need rebuilding, and an extra chromosome, which might make it harder to perform some of the Olympic worthy acrobatics she was so used to doing her cozy home a little more difficult in her new home outside.
And as terrified as I was by what might be waiting when she actually came into the world, I still couldn't wait to kiss those sweet cheeks.

I had time to mourn. And time to get over it. 
Maybe it would have been easier to accept had I not known until my baby was laid in my arms. But maybe I would have missed out on a whole lot.
We take so much in this life for granted. Healthy kids, a warm house, food in our bellies. We pray and pray for God to give us what we want, while all the while, He's giving us exactly what we need.
Every once in a while, we look back and realize that what we thought we wanted so badly before wasn't what we really wanted to begin with. We just didn't know it yet.
I wanted a healthy baby. I got one who came with a broken heart and 3 copies of the 21st chromosome. Turns out she's the one I wanted all along.

Thank God for unanswered prayers. :)

1 comment:

  1. HA! I just started writing a post on this exact topic for tomorrow :)...Love that last picture of Liddy she's such a sweetheart!!!


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