“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”
~A.A. Milne, from "Winnie the Pooh"

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

What It Takes To Be A Mother

To those of you that come here to read faithfully, please excuse my ranting. I'm really going to try to be as polite as possible but I sincerely need to say a few things to a specific person. I truly feel as if this isn't necessarily the place for it, but I honestly have no other way to say what I have to get off of my chest anywhere but here.

I wrote yesterday about love being the only option and teaching my daughter to in essence turn the other cheek and meet those who would hurt her head on with grace, love and a little sassiness. If the red in her eyebrows is any indication of what the future holds, I think she quite possibly is going to have a whole lot of her mother's redhead attitude.
I'm usually fairly good at controlling "the redhead" in me. In general, she (yes, she. It's my evil alter ego) only rears her head when someone does something to hurt someone I love. Most people who know me hardly believe that other version of me exists. The fiery temper rarely makes a full fledged appearance. But it simmers just below the surface, just waiting for the moment when I have finally had enough.
Today was the day.
However, I am going to try my very hardest to not let my anger and indignation get the best of me.

I have realized as I have made my way through this crazy thing called life that bringing a child into this world doesn't necessarily make someone a parent. It takes a whole lot more than loving kids when they're cute and cuddly. Sometimes those cute and cuddly babies turn into mouthy toddlers, bratty kids or rebellious teens. But being a parent doesn't end when the cuteness wears off.
It is a lifelong commitment.
It doesn't come with a paycheck. It rarely gets thanks. It involves endless sacrifice, patience, and a whole lot of work.
If you don't willingly put in the work, you miss out on a whole slew of the benefits. And sometimes, you lose your child altogether.
I will never in a million years understand how someone can turn their back on their child. A mother's love is not meant to have boundaries or restrictions or be conditional. In my experience, having had the blessing of becoming a mother three times now, it means having limitless love for the beings that were carried close within my womb, regardless of where they are, what they say, or how they act. It means being there crying with them when they are at their worst and cheering them on at their best. It means taking responsibility for bad decisions and saying "I'm sorry" when warranted. It means seeing past the mistakes they have made and honoring the person they have become because of them. Being proud of their accomplishments and the changes they have made in an effort to be a better person.
Unfortunately, some people just aren't cut out to be mothers.
Sometimes kids are better off without a mother at all than they were when they had one.

I hold no hatred in my heart towards you. Yet another lesson I have learned throughout my life is that hatred doesn't hurt the person being hated. It only hurts the one who hates.
I am not the one who has the power to forgive. But I just have to say that I will never forget........and if I have anything to say about it, you won't ever have the power to hurt my family again.
I hope that you have gotten what you wanted and I sincerely hope that it makes you happy. But somehow, I don't think that it will. I'm pretty sure that someday you're going to look back and wish that you had done things differently, that you had the people you willingly cut out of your life.
I know that you're missing out on a whole lot and I actually pity you that.
You will be in my prayers.


  1. You are amazing and I love you. That is all.

  2. awww Ange. You're amazing and I love you too!

  3. I agree completely. It is unfortunate that I know several women who should never have been "mothers". I have to sit back and watch my child's paternal grandmother destroy her sons and turn them against eachother for her own selfish gain. These are damaged adults who will never really know a mother's love. Sad.

  4. I could not agree with this more!! Its sad, but the truth is you are right, some women are definitely not meant to be Mothers!! This is the exact reason we are raising our Nephew.

  5. Are you sure that you really know what this mother has gone through to make this judgement? Don't judge when you haven't walked in her shoes.

  6. I know enough of what she has put her family through, since we have lived with the consequences for the last three years. Have I walked in HER shoes? Nope. Because I would NEVER EVER walk away from my child when they needed me most, no matter what they did or didn't do. I have, however, walked beside her son and her grandson while they dealt with the fall out of her decisions. I think that that alone puts me in a position where I can make my opinion known. And I am very sorry. You can try all you want but you can't rewrite history to erase those people who refuse to conform to your standards.

  7. "Anon"-

    There comes a time when a "black sheep" needs to decide NOT to be a "black sheep" anymore. Sure, I deserved that title for first 20 years of my life, granted. But I'm not the same person that put my mother and father through hell. I wouldn't speak to much about "judging" others, because, clearly, you continue to do so despite the fact that I've worked my ass off the last few years to change. Doesn't matter, does it? Kind of hypocritical to expect me to "move on" like nothing happened, but expect me to deal with your persistent ugly view of me, while trying to speak to me like a damn child on my front porch (not to mention spouting bullshit about what happened, like I wasn't there to see it in the first place). Did you ever stop to think that maybe there are some boundaries you shouldn't cross?

    You don't have an ounce of humility or respect. You continually try to contact us after I made my thoughts clear on the matter. What would have happened if I pulled the same crap within the last two years? A cop standing at my doorstep because I didn't respect YOUR wish to be rid of me and your grandson?

    Donna, you wanted to do "you" after my father died. You saying it was "a good thing" to be out of our lives for the past two years only confirms it.

    You don't *decide* when you want to be a superficial mother, grandmother or mother in-law in MY family. You are either in or out.

    I wouldn't feel too sorry for yourself....you get to see pictures of my son and daughter on demand, without actually vesting yourself into being an active person in their life. Don't ever consider yourself as a "parental martyr," either. You weren't exactly Florence Henderson, then or now.

    If I'm a piece of shit then I'm a piece of shit. Cool. You can go ahead and continue to make that the topic of conversation whenever you gossip to others, like you have for years. You can leave me out of your twisted game. You screwed up big time when you abandoned your grandson though. I'm sure as hell not going to allow you to do that to my daughter whenever the hell you feel like it.

    Quit harassing my family--and it is harassment. You've caused enough pain.

  8. Dear Anonymous,

    I have been through a lot with my child. Even though we were not always in agreement, I chose to never stop loving and have been rewarded by seeing my child grow into a spectacular adult! As a parent, it is not our "job" to "fix" our children or responsibility to support every decision/action in their lives. It is our job to love them unconditionally, exercise tough love where necessary, and hold lovingly accountable at times. But never forget the love!


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