“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”
~A.A. Milne, from "Winnie the Pooh"

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Another Night of Musings....

Did you ever have one of those moments where you just KNOW without a doubt that God placed you exactly at that second, that minute..in that exact place, talking to the people who have been placed there with you? The often random encounters that leave you amazed hours later, because for a brief moment God's intricate plans are laid bare and you understand that this is why you have gone through this or that trouble, this or that heartache. Simply so you can have the wisdom and experience to say the words that that person needed to hear at that exact moment.
Sometimes, as in the case of tonight's encounter, the places you revisit during these encounters are gut wrenchingly painful to speak about. You find yourself saying the very things that very few had ever heard you speak. Admitting the worst, hoping for the best.
The first few years after my first daughter was born were Hell on Earth. I felt that I had lost a piece of my soul and the pain I felt was so enormous, so intense that I put myself in some pretty scary situations and turned from every one who loved me. I purposely hurt those who cared because I sincerely thought that by hurting them I was being kind. I didn't want them to witness the shell of who I used to be as I self destructed. No matter how much I pushed them away, they prayed. I am humbled by the hours my family spent on bended knees in the middle of the night, praying their hearts out for my safety. And I can honestly say that I truly believe those prayers are why I am still here today. I should have been dead. I wanted to be.
God gave me Caleb because of those prayers. Loving Caleb, caring for Caleb healed my heart in some small way (although it never erased the pain I felt) and made me want to be worthy to be his mother. Caleb's existence saved me from myself. In every sense of the words.
However, even with the blatant salvation and love that God had shown me, I still turned from Him, I still didn't answer His call.
Then came Lydia.
While Caleb saved me physically and emotionally, Lydia saved my soul. The diagnosis of my daughter's heart defect brought me to my knees. Was I angry? Yes. But more than any anger, I was broken. Devastated. Pushed to the very brink. I found myself dancing with the old demons and for me, there was no other choice but to turn to the One who had saved me before. He provided this miracle. I had no other option but to pray.
At first, all of my prayers were for Him to heal my daughter. For Him to make the diagnosis of Downs Syndrome a mistake. For her heart to magically be fixed.
But then those prayers gradually changed. They became prayers for her safety, for her to be as strong, as healthy, as fat (haha) as she could possibly be. I prayed for her to remain in utero as long as she possibly could (although I wish I had revised THAT prayer haha). I even prayed that she would be born with her middle finger in the air (I'm gonna blame it on the hormones!).
After she was born, they became prayers of growing desperation as open heart surgery drew nearer and nearer. Prayers of choking fear. I begged, I pleaded even though I already knew they were prayers that would go unanswered. God backed me up against a wall where I had NO choice but to lean on Him. He showed me my biggest faults and made me do the one thing I least wanted to do. He made me give Him my precious baby so that He could show me that He is faithful. That He is in charge, not me.
He proved it. Over and over.
I praise Him for knowing what I needed. For always being there with exactly the right thing at exactly the right time.
I'm not perfect. I said it a few posts ago. I'm a sinner, I am deeply flawed. But those brief moments when it all makes sense remind me that His plans are unfathomable. I went through so much pain so that I can every once in a while have the words that someone needs to hear, exactly when they need to hear them.
Pretty amazing, huh?

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