“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”
~A.A. Milne, from "Winnie the Pooh"

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Lessons in Faith

Dearest Lydia,
Sunday is a day of rest. And that's exactly what you are doing today, albeit with a little bit of medical help. Yesterday was quite easily the hardest day of your life (and mine too!). Even though you made several great steps forward, we also took a few steps back. 
You were going like such a tiny dynamo, so determined to shed all the tubes and wires encumbering you, to move on from this surgery as quickly as possible. Then disaster struck. You labored to draw each breath. I watched with fear in my heart as we came so close to losing you several times throughout the day. By the time we got an answer for what was causing the problem, even though I was again terrified, it was a relief. An answer. Something that could be done to fix you. 

Faith is a funny thing. I have held so tight to the faith that God will hold you, protect you, make you healthy, happy, and whole again. Even through your surgery, I somehow was able to hold that faith. But when faced with an entire day of seeing you in pain, watching you struggle, or with the possibility of losing you, that faith wavers. Its such a hard thing to let God take care of you when looking into that tiny face that I love so much and watching you fight for your life. How can I let you go if letting you go might mean truly losing you? 
I long to feel your weight in my arms, to have that little body snuggle in close. I miss your beautiful smile, your precious babbling, and that melodious giggle. I want my baby. My angel. My heart.
I had a talk with Grandpa this morning. When I voiced my desire to have my baby back, he said some things that refuse to leave my head. And although I hate to admit it, I think that he may be right.
You, my precious gift, will never be fully returned to me until I let you go. When I finally get it through my thick skull that I can NOT fix this; not with my fears, not with my worry, not with my love; I will free both of us from the crushing weight of my own helplessness. When I give Him my permission to do with you as He sees fit, He will heal you in ways that no doctor, no nurse, and yes, no mommy has the power to. He's using the only way He has to prove to me again, just as He has a thousand times since you were conceived, that He is in charge, not me. 
There will be setbacks at times. You just underwent what is a MAJOR surgery for an adult, and you are such a tiny baby. It simply is unreasonable to expect you to miraculously wake up the day after, smiling and babbling away. You HAVE made strides. You HAVE proven what a very tough and determined girl you are. You HAVE already come so far. These speed bumps aren't necessarily steps backwards, as I keep thinking, but instead brief moments where you hang up your SuperBaby cape and return to being just my Itsy Bug.  I want you to be a fighter. But I have to be able to accept that, right now, you just aren't strong enough to fight all the time.
What is faith without tests? Pointless. That's what. It wouldn't be faith if there weren't moments that every belief we cling to was pushed to the breaking point. It would just be empty words. Empty promises.
I am a work in progress, Liddy. And sometimes, I just need a reminder. 
So today, as you rest peacefully, giving me a chance to relax as well without the stress of running around putting out proverbial fires, I'm going to pray. A LOT. That God will give me the strength that I need to give you to Him. That He will bolster my faith, making it strong enough to resist the endless battering of waves of fear and doubt. That He will give us all peace. That we will feel His love, as well as His healing hands upon us. 
I love you more than life itself. 


  1. I believe we gain the most strength during our hardest times. It truly opens our eyes to the faith we have and faith we need. Lydia is so tough as are you! I am so glad you two got to snuggle today, I will never forget that moment I cry thinking how great it was! God is so good and he is working miracles in Lydia!

  2. Okay, As I sit here in tears, barely able to perceive the words on the screen, I am marveling at you. Life is trying and giving it all over to God is hard, especially when it involves our children. It is hard for us to sit back and let him have complete control even though we know he knows best and is the only one capable of truly handling it well.You are strong Heidi Ehle and I love you. God loves you. He gave you this precious gift to prove to you that he is love, to strengthen and renew your faith in him and to prove despite our super mommy desires, that His way is the only way and once we step back, let him have the reigns, we see what blessings we really have been given. I pray for you all to find peace in him, to rest on his love and his peace. He is your father and knows your needs before you voice them. Let go and Let God. He still has a lot to prove through that amazing little girl. I love you very much. Stay strong, you are doing amazing. XOXOXO

  3. I hope you get some rest today too. Praying for you...and for little Liddy's body to recover soon....just think how strong she's going to be once she's all healed up...(-:

  4. AAAGgghh, tears and a lump in my throat. I am praying for you, friend! I just can't imagine what you are going through right now, as Lily never had to go through open heart surgery. Her procedure after birth was enough to really test my faith (blood transfusion exchange), so I'm sure you are going through so much more. I can't wait to see pictures of Liddy bug wide awake and smiling again:) Lots of love to you, Heidi.

  5. Beautiful Heidi....simply beautiful!

  6. Oh my word. I'm sorry this has been such a tough process for you and your family. I am praying too for your beauty. Glad that she is resting today and sending love to her and to you to keep getting better.

  7. This is tough stuff, Heidi. Keep coming to Him when the burden is great. I have often told myself that faith is in the coming and when it seems like there is not much you can do to control the circumstances, it is enough for you to keep on hoping and trusting God for his promises. I will be praying for you and your little bug. Thanks for sharing.


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