I got out of bed this morning in a VERY grouchy mood. That's a little unusual for me.. it usually takes at least an hour before I'm even awake enough to be a grump. But, it is what it is. I even tried to take a nap with you, hoping that the cuddles and the extra sleep would awaken me with a better attitude. Apparently not the case.
I am starting to show the symptoms of an extremely elevated stress level. My mind is heavy with thoughts of everything that must be done in the next four days, amid all the fear and doubt about what will come after. I need to do this and that, but all I really want to do is cuddle you every second you're awake. Not that that is real high on your list of priorities. ;) I seem to lack the energy to do anything, except snap at everyone who comes near me. For goodness sakes, your dad and I had a small tussle this week about the windows and the curtains being open! My patience is thin, I have had a headache for days, and my stomach is literally in gigantic knots that grow tighter and tighter with every passing day. Life around me continues on with the exact same ebbs and flows of any other day. Yet all I want to do is curl up for naps with you.
I pray every day for the strength that I will need to see you through. And my brain truly knows that you are going to be just fine. Oh, but Liddy, my heart is screaming. I know that I don't have a choice. No magic to stop time. No way to speed it up so that we're safely on the other side. And that, quite simply, sucks.
I am thankful that I am not going through this alone. I'm so thankful for your daddy...as well as a host of other people who are already filling the heavens with their prayers. I'm thankful for every encouraging word from the mommies who have been standing in my shoes and have made it through to the other side. I am grateful for a wonderful loving family who will fill the waiting room on Thursday and for very dear friends who will call and visit. I'm immensely blessed. And I know it.
A special thank you needs to be said to Miss Juli. She stopped by to see us this evening and brought me a beautiful necklace (which I am already sporting..) that has a small cross and a little circle that says "Faith". That little reminder is not going to leave my neck until we have you home, safe and sound and with a properly functioning heart. I have a feeling that I'm going to desperately need that reminder several times throughout the coming days. Faith is resting in the knowledge that God is in control and that His plans truly include prospering us..not harming us. And somehow, I have to shut off all these horrible Mommy fears ( the ones deep in my heart that no one knows because I can't find the words to even voice them) and let Him do some of the worrying for me.....
I feel like I'm whining. Constantly wallowing in my fears, and putting them out there for the world to see when other mamas have already walked this road. I really thought I was doing ok, then *wham* everything started truly hitting me as the days wind down...I know I am tough, but nothing (NOTHING) in my life has prepared me for something like this. For being your mama, yes. For open heart surgery, no. Not even close.
The one thing I know for sure is that I love you more each second that passes during the day.
And so, despite wanting to allow myself to completely give in to sheer panic, there is no option but to suck it up, let my fears go, and simply drink you in. Knowing that we will come out of that hospital with a brand new life, without this surgery hanging over our heads. We will walk out those doors a little stronger and even more in love with each other than ever before. We will hug your brothers a little tighter, and know that we never have to be separated like this again. We will know, without a single doubt, that we have walked through the very fires of Hell, and made it safely back into the sun. Celebrating all the way the miracle that is you. There are simply no other options.
I love you with every breath in my chest, and every beat of my heart.