“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”
~A.A. Milne, from "Winnie the Pooh"

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Reason For My Words

My dearest Lydia,
It will be many years until you are old enough to read these little notes that I write to you. But I feel that these precious days with you need to be chronicled in some small way so that one day you will be able to look back and know what a huge blessing you are to me (and the rest of our family who all love you so much too) as well as how much you have changed my life for the better.  I knew that you were a miracle, but I never could have fathomed how very much I would love you! I remember the week that we found out about your tiny broken heart, and how much I cried that week. I also remember very clearly your daddy telling me that I would just love you even more because of it. I worried. That you would be so sick, that you would be in pain, that I wasn't strong enough or a good enough mother to take care of you with your special needs. All caused by fear of the unknown. But with every day that passed, I felt more and more at peace, and fell deeper and deeper in love with the tiny girl fighting so hard to grow inside me. You, my sweetest angel, are a fighter! I don't remember your brother or sister having half the personality that you did while I was pregnant, or being quite so reactive to what was happening outside your warm cocoon. You hammed it up for the ultrasound techs, moving your hands to block your face, pulling your feet away and hiding them just when they went to measure them, putting your hand over your heart when the doctors tried to do your echos, twisting and turning all over to avoid the monitors for the twice weekly stress tests we had to have at the end. Each and every ultrasound, I cried with sheer joy, to see your beautiful little face, to watch you growing and showing every one who had any contact with you that you were in charge! You waved at us, blew us kisses, and even made Mommy laugh by sticking your tongue out at me! You danced in my tummy when Caleb played his clarinet, and kicked me when he scolded you for kicking me in the ribs. lol He was the first besides me who got to feel you move, and I think that created a bond between the two of you that can never be broken or duplicated. And your daddy was right! I love you so much that sometimes when I look at you my heart hurts. (that sounds terrible doesn't it? it doesn't hurt because I am sad, but because it is so full of love and happiness!)

 I still have mornings when I wake up and rush to your bassinet, afraid that it has all been a beautiful dream. But there you are, sleeping peacefully or smiling up at me, and my heart breathes a sigh of relief. You are real, you are every bit as beautiful and amazing as I ever hoped you would be, and the reality of you is better than any dream I ever had. :) I'm going to make mistakes, but you will too. We'll just have to learn together. We'll both stumble and sometimes fall but in our love for each other, there will always be a safe place to fall and a comforting shoulder to cry on.

This family is my everything....and I can't wait to meet the beautiful, confident, outgoing, smart, and courageous girl that I know you will be someday. I can see you clearly in my mind, and oh Liddy, you take my breath away!!!! I love you so much. Until next time, xoxoxo Mommy

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