“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”
~A.A. Milne, from "Winnie the Pooh"

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Nearly 16 Years Go By......

Dearest Liddy,
I have been writing this post in my head for days now. I hope that I get everything I want to say exactly right.....
Next week, my first born will turn 16. It has been many long years since I have held her in my arms, even as I have carried her with me,where she belongs, in my heart, the entire time. I haven't held her in my arms since she was three days old. 

You see, I gave birth to your beautiful sister when I was just slightly older than she is now, at 17. And subsequently made the decision to let her go. She was adopted at 4 days old. I went into the hospital a mother to be and left it alone.
I left a huge part of my heart there in the West Boca Medical Center that day all those years ago. Easily the hardest decision I have ever made, and easily the hardest one to live with.
That choice, while the best one available to a scared teenager and her baby girl, almost killed me. But it is also one that I am most proud of. I wanted more for her than I had within my capabilities to provide. Did I love her? Oh, yes. More than I had ever loved anything or anyone before. That love is what gave me the courage to let her go.......

I have waited impatiently every year for a glimpse into the life that I had a hand in creating. I have counted the days, the weeks, the months and the years that brought me closer to the time when I could once again stare at that beautiful face in person. Hold her in my arms. Tell her that I love her. That not a day has gone by that she hasn't been in my thoughts, my prayers, my heart.

Three years later, when I found myself pregnant with Caleb, I vowed to myself, and to her, that things would be different. I would become someone that she would be proud to know, someone who took the opportunity given to her and made something of it. Because of her, I became the very best Mama that I had it within me to be to him. Because of her, I never took one second for granted. I was there for his first steps, his first words, every single moment that I had missed by not being Amanda's mommy.
After the first year of her life, I never doubted my decision.
Caleb has grown up his entire life surrounded by pictures of her, which hang on our walls, amid the photos of everyone else. He knows she is his sister. He knows that someday we will open the door to find her standing there.
That day is getting closer all the time.

In the beginning, the years crept by. It seemed that 18 years was forever. But now. Just two short years away. I hope that God gives me the perfect words to say to explain to her why I made the decision I did so many years ago and to make her understand how very much I have always loved her, and still do.

To tell her how much I have missed her.

You will always grow up knowing she is your sister, just as Caleb has. But my hope is that you will get the chance to have her be a part of your life that Caleb hasn't.  I hope and pray that she allows me to be her mother, even though I haven't earned the right to be her mom. I hope that she forgives everything I have missed. I hope someday she understands.
 I look at you and see so much of her. Your nose, your lips, your amazing smile. And I am awe inspired. How does one person get so lucky? How is one lowly sinner blessed enough to receive three completely undeserved gifts like I have been given?

Grace. God's amazing grace.

Happy birthday a little early, beautiful Amanda. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. And I love you more than you could ever know.......

I love you too, my precious Liddy Bug.
As always,
So very proud to be your mama.


  1. Agreed! She is very beautiful! And Heidi you did the most loving thing you could do for your daughter at the time, the most unselfish thing...You gave her a good life, a good start, a good home. Adoption is a very beautiful thing...And the fact that you thought of her first, and placed her needs before your own, shows exactly how much you loved her! This was so sweet to read, I hope one day your daughter will read it also :)

  2. You have a tremendous amount of unselfish love inside of you. Hats off to a wonderful mother.

  3. I am an adoptive mother. I will say without the love that you speak of I would never have become a mother. I pray for the woman that gave birth to my child every night before I sleep. She has never been anything other than beautiful in my eyes. I hope I live up to the dream she wished for her daughter...our daughter...my whole world. You did a beautiful thing! Never doubt it, she will be blessed to have you again in her life...<3


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