“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”
~A.A. Milne, from "Winnie the Pooh"

Sunday, January 1, 2012

The End of 2011

Dearest Lydia,
Tonight we say farewell to 2011. All over the world people will be greeting 2012 with great fanfare. Here at home, it will be a much quieter celebration.
With the dawning of the year 2011, we found ourselves in the maternity ward of the local hospital, with contractions less than 5 minutes apart. I truly was convinced as we made the drive in through the ice and snow, on streets strangely still, that by morning we would be looking into your sweet face. Apparently, you and my body decided that it was not meant to be. We returned home through those same silent streets just before midnight to await January the 3rd, when we mistakenly believed your official eviction would take place just as had been carefully planned, in the hospital which would be properly able to care for you, with Mama and Daddy by your side.
Something about the beginning of a new year can't help but bring out the reflective side of me. I spend much of the evening taking out all of the new memories which have been made during the previous year, looking them over one by one, and pondering what the new year will bring.
2011 gave me a whole lot of new memories, some good, some bad, some blissfully happy, some heartbreakingly sad. But as I sit at my computer tonight, as the hours and minutes of 2011 whittle away, I am profoundly in awe of what an amazing year it has been.......
January 6th brought you, more beautiful, more amazing than I could have ever imagined. The very best beginning to a new year. Three weeks as a visitor in the Special Care Nursery while we waited to recieve the go ahead to bring you home seemed an eternity, even though all it took was a quick look around at your neighbors to know how lucky we were. Leaving the hospital without you was easily one of the hardest things I have done in my life. I found myself torn; while at the hospital I was missing everyone at home, while at home I was missing you.
The end of January found us finally packing you, and your heart monitor, and NG tube supplies, into the car and driving you to a place you had never been yet. Home, where you officially met your brothers for the very first time, face to face. Oh what a moment. *sigh* Watching them gave at you with the same wide eyed wonder that I felt every time I looked at you completely melted my heart.
We spent the next several months of 2011 settling in, melding together our little family of four into one of five. Ayden turned 6, Caleb turned 13. You and Daddy and I spent a glorious 5 days soaking up the peacefulness, the warmth, and the beauty of the ocean. And then came the day we had been dreading.
July 14th. Open Heart Surgery Day. You were smiling and laughing in the tiny room where Daddy and I sat, willing ourselves the strength to hand you over. With teary eyes, I kissed you one last time and my heart broke as we walked away, your confused cries echoing behind us. Almost an entire day spent in the waiting room, praying with every breath for word that it was finally over....that your heart was whole. Spending an entire day beside your bed, talking to you, touching you, trying to calm your fears, your pain, your confusion, both of us needing desperately to cuddle, but being unable to do anything to help ease either one of our suffering. A collapsed lung,  almost 4 days of not holding you when you cried, a 13 day stay in the PICU, and a pacemaker all stretched my faith. But as the days wound down and we got closer to getting home, I watched you blossom, bit by bit returning to the girl I love so much.
16 days later, as we turned the final corner onto our street, it hit me. It was over. We had all survived! :)
August saw a return to "normal" life. Your brothers and I returned to school. Therapy appointments resumed, with the addition of one new therapist twice a month. You grew. You learned. You again blossomed.
The remainder of our year was spent in blissful happiness. Peace. Immense love for each other.
I find that although in some ways I mourn the passing of this first year of your life, I can not wait to see what 2012 has in store for all of us. I'm sure it's going to bring BIG things.
Happy New Year, baby.
I am more in love with you with each passing day.......Blue skies ahead! :)

1 comment:

  1. you got me crying. What a blessing she is. Love to you all. May blessings abound in 2012!


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