Reflections on a Year

I have been neglecting my blog.
Sometimes it is really hard for me to find the time to write (and not feel guilty for the time I am spending doing it!). For the last week, I have been battling a rotten tooth, and the infection that goes along with it. Every time I sit down at the computer my head spins and I feel sick to my stomach, which has really made getting anything done...well, difficult at the least.
However, tonight I am feeling o.k. considering, and riding high on a big sense of accomplishment. Today I officially have finished shopping for sweet Liddy's 1st Christmas AND birthday. All of my previously purchased items are wrapped and under the tree even. All I have left is to buy Caleb's presents and I will be done shopping, which is a major accomplishment considering that I haven't been this on top of all things Christmas in too many years to count.
And then it hit me. My precious baby is going to be a year old in one month and 5 days. Whoa! Back up a minute. One year old???!!!! Seriously. Where did the time go?

 Looking back on the last year, in many ways, it seems as though I have always known this tiny wonder....as if she has always been a part of our family. With each passing day, it gets harder and harder to remember a time when we were a family of four, instead of one of five. I know that it seems that way with all babies in some way or another, but this family has been through so much and CHANGED so much because of her that it becomes more difficult to imagine a life without her in it.

 The last almost 11 months of her life have taught me compassion, love and faith like I have never known. They have at times pushed me to what I thought were the limits of what I could handle and there have been times where I have sincerely told God "No more. I can't deal with one more thing." Yet even as I get pushed further and further towards the edge, He catches me. There is always a reservoir of strength there that I was completely unaware of, just waiting for me to tap into. I have emerged from the fires of my own fear, my own indecision, my constant worry, and have spread my wings and proved to myself that I am capable of amazing feats. Every bit as amazing as the tiny girl who inspired them.

 A year ago, I thought that I would never make it through OHS. The fear was choking. What in the world would I do if I lost my miracle? And even now, the thought is terrifying. I have watched others walk that road, with grace, with more acceptance, than I feel that I have within myself to muster. But God has also made it very clear to me that in some things I am not in control. He holds the reins. And THAT, my friends, has been the hardest lesson of all that Liddy has taught me in the last year......
Patience. Its never been my strong suit. Letting go has never been easy for me either. I want things when I want them. And I dislike change.
However, one of the greatest blessings of my children is that while Liddy is teaching me patience, Caleb is teaching me how to let go.........

I find that more and more, God shows His faith in me by placing people in my path that need the love and guidance that only I can provide...all of which is because of the struggles I have faced to make it this far. He continually proves that He is completely capable of creating diamonds from the ashes of dreams that came and went, from hearts that have been broken and healed, and from souls who have known too many hurts already.

I am thankful for my scars. I am thankful for my family, my beautiful kids, my wonderful husband. I am beyond thankful that God hasn't always answered my prayers in the way that I have felt He should...but has taken the reins and brought me something better than my wildest dreams.