“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”
~A.A. Milne, from "Winnie the Pooh"

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Post-Christmas Thoughts.....

For some reason, this Christmas season has seen me spending a whole lot more time thinking of Mary, as well as the baby Jesus, for what just might possibly be the first time in the last 34 years. Don't get me wrong...I have always had respect for her as an intricate part of the Christmas story, yet she always, at least to me, lacked the color, the vibrancy of some of the other characters which led to her seemingly being more of a bit role player rather than a real life woman, a mother.
Probably my new found curiosity about the person behind the story this year has a whole lot to do with the trials I have faced as a mother in the last 12 months.
The Bible really says very little about who Mary was as a woman, which probably has a whole lot to do with society's view of women in general then. Yet I have to believe that there was a whole lot more to her than what met the eye. 
I wonder what she felt, what she thought. Was she scared? Did she feel unworthy, ill prepared, unsure? Did she question God's wisdom in choosing her? 
The thought of raising a child with Down Syndrome was daunting. The unknowns were terrifying and I felt completely unequipped to deal with the changes that would come with the birth of Liddy. Ill prepared for the task before me, unworthy of the gift I was given, full of doubt about my ability to be the kind of mother my daughter would need. Scared to death that I didn't have the inner strength, the determination, the compassion, and the patience to deal with whatever God had in store for our family. How many nights did I lay awake asking God over and over, "Why me? Why us?"
I feel deeply that Mary wasn't any different. I'm sure she shared every doubt, every fear, every worry. After all, raising the son of God, the world's salvation, is a HUGE responsibility......
In the end, she faced the task at hand with amazing grace, peace and infinite love. And she obviously did a fabulous job, despite what must have been a million reservations. 
Which makes me feel more of a connection with her than ever before.
Who am I to question God's plan? Obviously, He is more than capable of seeing into the darkest recesses of my heart and He intimately knows my deepest fears and doubts. 
He knew that when faced with what at the time seemed unthinkable and insurmountable obstacles, this family would rise to the challenge. I would rise to the challenge. He knew that somehow I would make it past all of those worries, all of those doubts, all of those fears and become exactly the woman I needed to be for my daughter. The woman He wanted me to be all along.......

Looking at this face........

how could I have ever doubted His wisdom? :)
Tonight, I am so thankful that Mother Mary stayed the course, despite the overwhelming obstacles placed in her path, and that she had the strength to let her son go so that He could fulfill his destiny and change the world.
And I am thankful that God gave me one of His own angels to change mine.......

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