“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”
~A.A. Milne, from "Winnie the Pooh"

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

A Christmas Comparison

As Christmas rolls around again this year, I can't help but reflect a little about how much has changed within the last year. How much we have all been through, together, in what seems the blink of an eye.
I remember how, many years ago, it seemed like it took forever to get from one Christmas to the next. How years seemed to take decades to pass. Now it seems that every time I turn around, another birthday or Christmas is rolling past, and I can't help but wonder how I seem to endlessly lose so much time so quickly. Most likely, I only have a few more Christmases of Caleb wakening under my roof before he has flown my nest to create one of his own. *sob*
Slow down, time. I'm not quite ready for that one.

Last Christmas.....
We had faced the inconceivable, and were trying to put our fears behind us. We were enjoying the last days we were going to spend with our boys for an as yet undetermined amount of time. I was having contractions during Christmas dinner, and again on New Year's Eve, but not getting anywhere closer to having a baby. We were impatient to look upon the sweet face we had been seeing on ultrasound pictures for several months, ready to kiss the sweet chubby cheeks and gaze our fill at the amazing little being we created. We were excited, we were ecstatic, we were head over heels in love with our daughter, we were as ready as we were ever going to be, and if I'm honest, we were scared to death.
We spent New Year's Eve in the maternity ward, strapped to monitors, contractions coming minutes apart. I had prayed for an end to my pregnancy (I was frankly completely OVER being pregnant, as always seems to happen at the end!) and all along, I had truly believed that Miss Lydia was going to bring herself into the world eight days early, in opposition to her siblings who both came 8 days late. 8 days before my due date would have been New Years Day and I had thought my entire pregnancy that she would be born then.
Yet, while laying in that bed, listening to her tiny heart beat, I suddenly was faced with the overwhelming urge to just stop time....to just let my girl stay there snuggled inside me, safe and sound, where we didn't have to worry about heart defects, and Down Syndrome, and a million other unknowns, where she was just my perfect baby. My tiny miracle.
Obviously life doesn't work that way...and so (eventually, after being almost forcibly evicted) she was born.

The difference between that Christmas' worries, and the difficult road we faced ahead, to this Christmas' unbridled joy is unbelievable to me. No waddling around with a belly out to here...now I'm waddling around with a baby on my hip. No more worry, no more fear. This year we are simply embracing being a family, a puzzle finally near completion (it's still missing one important piece...).
I'm watching my babies grow up, one gaining ground on her fledgling independence, the other spreading his wings in faltering flights. The worst that we could imagine a year ago has been conquered and we have moved on. And that sweet baby whose cheeks I couldn't wait to kiss is now here kissing mine.
I could not ever conceive of asking for more. This moment right now is perfect. Beautiful.

This year has seen our family face the worst and find that it was truly better than we could have dreamed.
It has been gut wrenching, heart breaking, terrifying, and tear filled at times. It has pushed me to the brink, gave me a thousand moments where I have thrown my hands up and told God, "No more. I can't take one more thing." It has seen me hit my knees more times than I can count. I have never felt so weak, so helpless. Yet this year has also taught me how strong I am, how faithful my God is, and has given me a new perspective on little things I so often took for granted before being given the gift of my daughter. Yes, it was full of all of those negative things, but it was also overflowing with joy, love and a thousand tiny blessings, including one tiny little girl who I just know is going to take this world by storm........


  1. Merry Christmas to your family!!

  2. Beautiful post, Heidi. Happy first Christmas to your beautiful little girl, and Merry Christmas to you all!!!

  3. Your family is going to have a beautiful, peaceful Christmas! Merry Christmas Heidi!


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