Memories...Light The Corners of My Mind.....

I already wrote one post today. That would typically be the end of my writing. But I just realized (thank you Facebook!) that tomorrow marks an anniversary of sorts. Not your typically happy memory type of anniversary, one of a bittersweet nature. 

Last year, on September 13th, we awoke to a normal morning with a little twist. We were heading to the doctor to get another glimpse of our baby girl. I remember being so excited, as I always was when it was time for a glimpse of that pretty face. 

That visit started like every other one that had come before. We watched in awe as our Lydia filled the screen, smiling, waving, rolling around and being her general ornery self for the ultrasound tech. Then in came Dr. Landwehr. He was about to rock our world. 

When checking our precious angel's heart, he saw an anomaly. On closer inspection, he turned to us and said that our baby had something wrong with her heart. I barely remember anything he said after that, except for his urging us to have an amnio NOW so that we could know exactly what we were dealing with. With tears already streaming down my face and John sitting beside me looking like he had just been punched in the gut, we agreed. 

Which led to the other bittersweet anniversary that will come later in the week. The day we got the phone call that forever changed our lives. The amnio came back as positive for Down's Syndrome.

 

What a truly awful week that was. I cried until I felt I didn't have any tears left. And then, I cried more. To say I was devastated doesn't even begin to cover the emotions I was feeling. I screamed at God, I mourned the precious girl of my dreams, I fell to my knees and begged God to fix it, to make the doctors be wrong. 

And then it came. A quiet acceptance. It didn't come like a revelation. It didn't enter with fanfare, or a flash of lightning, or a clap of thunder. It gently slipped within my heart, washing away the tears with a breath of peace, and filled my soul with overwhelming love for this precious, precious miracle.

I can't say that I still didn't mourn that baby that I thought I was going to have. I did. But I also came to realize that nothing else mattered except for getting her here on Earth safe and sound. And I fell in love with her more with every passing day....her spunk, her smile, her beautiful face. I thought before she was born that I couldn't possibly love her any more. 

 

Until I looked into her face.

 

It's kind of funny how just when you think that your heart is completely full of love, it expands to let in more. 

Looking back, I wouldn't trade my precious angel for a hundred other "normal" babies. I wouldn't change one single thing about her. I would gladly go through the 3 weeks of the NICU stay, and open heart surgery, and 2 weeks in the ICU all over again if it meant that I got to keep the most precious gift I have ever been given. I would walk through the very fires of Hell for this tiny girl in an instant, if it was asked of me. 

This family was not whole until she was in it. 

Just as she is.

So here's to the passing of year number one, without the heartache, confusion, and pain. In its place is left pure, simple joy and immense gratefulness.

I can fall on my knees in praise before God a hundred thousand times and it will never be enough to express how much I thank Him for my beautiful daughter.