“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”
~A.A. Milne, from "Winnie the Pooh"

Monday, September 12, 2011

Memories...Light The Corners of My Mind.....

I already wrote one post today. That would typically be the end of my writing. But I just realized (thank you Facebook!) that tomorrow marks an anniversary of sorts. Not your typically happy memory type of anniversary, one of a bittersweet nature. 
Last year, on September 13th, we awoke to a normal morning with a little twist. We were heading to the doctor to get another glimpse of our baby girl. I remember being so excited, as I always was when it was time for a glimpse of that pretty face. 

That visit started like every other one that had come before. We watched in awe as our Lydia filled the screen, smiling, waving, rolling around and being her general ornery self for the ultrasound tech. Then in came Dr. Landwehr. He was about to rock our world. 
When checking our precious angel's heart, he saw an anomaly. On closer inspection, he turned to us and said that our baby had something wrong with her heart. I barely remember anything he said after that, except for his urging us to have an amnio NOW so that we could know exactly what we were dealing with. With tears already streaming down my face and John sitting beside me looking like he had just been punched in the gut, we agreed. 
Which led to the other bittersweet anniversary that will come later in the week. The day we got the phone call that forever changed our lives. The amnio came back as positive for Down's Syndrome.

What a truly awful week that was. I cried until I felt I didn't have any tears left. And then, I cried more. To say I was devastated doesn't even begin to cover the emotions I was feeling. I screamed at God, I mourned the precious girl of my dreams, I fell to my knees and begged God to fix it, to make the doctors be wrong. 

And then it came. A quiet acceptance. It didn't come like a revelation. It didn't enter with fanfare, or a flash of lightning, or a clap of thunder. It gently slipped within my heart, washing away the tears with a breath of peace, and filled my soul with overwhelming love for this precious, precious miracle.

I can't say that I still didn't mourn that baby that I thought I was going to have. I did. But I also came to realize that nothing else mattered except for getting her here on Earth safe and sound. And I fell in love with her more with every passing day....her spunk, her smile, her beautiful face. I thought before she was born that I couldn't possibly love her any more. 

Until I looked into her face.

It's kind of funny how just when you think that your heart is completely full of love, it expands to let in more. 
Looking back, I wouldn't trade my precious angel for a hundred other "normal" babies. I wouldn't change one single thing about her. I would gladly go through the 3 weeks of the NICU stay, and open heart surgery, and 2 weeks in the ICU all over again if it meant that I got to keep the most precious gift I have ever been given. I would walk through the very fires of Hell for this tiny girl in an instant, if it was asked of me. 

This family was not whole until she was in it. 
Just as she is.
So here's to the passing of year number one, without the heartache, confusion, and pain. In its place is left pure, simple joy and immense gratefulness.
I can fall on my knees in praise before God a hundred thousand times and it will never be enough to express how much I thank Him for my beautiful daughter.


  1. What a bunch of precious ultrasound pics! My day was May 12th... Yes I remember it well and crying until I could cry no more. She is so precious, and I'm so glad she is home and doing so well!

  2. Sarah, when is your baby due? And do you have a facebook page?

  3. Heidi, I must say that I love your blog and especially today's post with your brutal honesty. We received Ellie's diagnosis post-natally. Like you, in the beginning, there is that mourning period for the child you thought you were going to have. It doesn't mean I didn't love Ellie immediately and beyond measure. As I am sure all of us mama bears out there would say "I would walk through the very fires of Hell for this tiny girl in an instant, if it was asked of me." How is it that Liddy Bug is so lovely even in her ultrasound pics? Keep on blogging, Heidi. You have a gift!

  4. Beautiful to read. This is actually one of my favorite post from you! I loved it...And I agree Liddy looks so incredibly sweet in those ultrasound pics!!

  5. Our day was August 30th of last year. It was a day I'll never forget. I wish I knew then what I know now about Ben and the joys he brings to our family:)


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