“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”
~A.A. Milne, from "Winnie the Pooh"

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Fear, Frustration, and All the Nasty Side Effects of Pregnancy Hormones....

Posts two days in a row? What is wrong with me??
I just need to work through some of the thoughts running through my mind and since writing (whether publicly or not) seems to be cathartic for me, here I am.
We're coming up on the 30 week mark for this pregnancy. I have been thoroughly enjoying a nondescript, relatively easy pregnancy for the majority of the last 7 and 1/2 months. Nothing too exciting or worrisome going on, regular doctor appointments without any of the extras thrown in...all in all, your average run of the mill pregnancy. A far cry from my pregnancy with Liddy.
The one thing I have struggled with, silently mostly, has been fear. Labor with Liddy was excruciatingly long. Delivery itself was easy but led to a hemorrhage which resulted in my needing to receive two units of blood and labor that continued for an additional two days post-birth before delivering...well, let's just say, a nasty surprise. I feel strongly as if I kissed the face of the Grim Reaper and somehow, miraculously, made it through still alive and breathing. To say that I am scared of giving birth again is a slight understatement. I am literally terrified. TERRIFIED.
I've practically begged for a C-section. 5 doctors have told us that it isn't necessary, that the chances of a repeat performance of my own personal nightmare are slim to none, that the chances for similar complications during or following a c-section are greater than those having one more natural birth. They assure me that there is no way that I will be induced for nearly 4 days before having a baby again. They assure me that this time I will not go to the bathroom and receive a nasty surprise. They assure me that I will find that I have no need for an emergency D&C. Yet. Their reassurances do little in the way of ACTUALLY assuring me. That old nagging fear still plagues me.
And now...well, so much is uncertain for little Levi. We are still waiting to find out if my liver is failing in its duties due to the pregnancy. If it is, we face a baby who will be forced to be brought into this world before he is actually ready. We face an almost repeat performance of the last months of my pregnancy with Liddy....a steady stream of doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, and non-stress tests. Dreaded uncertainty mixed with excitement and joy at his birth.And as much as I have feared for the last 4 months for myself, I now fear more for him.
Here's the thing. I truly didn't believe that I was strong enough to make it through everything we have been through with Liddy without falling completely apart. I was wrong. I came through with colors flying, more confident than ever that I am one tough cookie, that my God is mighty and just, and thanking God over and over that I never had to face anything like that again. Almost the first entire year of her life, I was so choked with fear that it was a relief to have that weight lifted from my shoulders and to live without that ever present worry constantly tapping me on my shoulder. I never expected to have any more children. I thought I was done and that surviving that year intact was my own personal badge of honor. I carried it as such. And now, faced with a similar (but not the same) circumstances, I fall right back into the "Poor me. I don't think I can deal with this again" trap, one which I am helpless to combat, yet one that frustrates me to no end.
I cry at the drop of a hat. I cuss. I snap at the people I love most in this world. The fear, the uncertainty, is once again winning. And I HATE that. I look around myself and see other parents and friends dealing with so much more...devastating unforeseen circumstances...potentially life altering illnesses....and I want to smack my own face. WTH do I have to be afraid of? A NICU stay? Big whoop. We've been there before. Adding more stress to a plate already overflowing? Well, been there too and, I'm sure, will be there again.  Death? I've faced that, both with myself and with my precious daughter, and I feel strongly that my time isn't done here just yet. I have work left to finish. Yet. Again, the fear remains.
I feel like I am whining. That's not my intention by any means. I suppose that writing this is a little bit of cheap therapy, a reminder that I am not in charge, despite my delusions of grandeur, and that I need to leave all these crazy thoughts and fears in the hands of the only Someone who actually IS. Apparently, it worked for now since I started out writing with tears rolling down my face and those tears have dried....
Still, I ask you to pray for us....to pray for a safe delivery of a healthy baby boy (whenever that may be), to pray for peace for his potentially crazy hormonal mama, and to pray for patience for his daddy, who bless his heart, is the one who most often gets to deal with all the hormonal mama madness.

1 comment:

  1. Praying for you all. I can wait to see pictures of a beautiful, healthy baby with his adoring mother and family until he is fully "cooked". Try to take it easy and do something nice for yourself.


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