Another Birthday.....

I wake up every year on August 17th at precisely 1:37 am. I lie awake in the darkness and allow the sepia colored memories of that moment and the ones that followed to wash over me in waves. I miss her. Like a physical ache that never goes away.
For 18 years, I have clung to those too short moments, every second of those precious days etched perfectly in my heart. The smell of her head, the weight of her tiny body, the feel of her fist wrapped around my finger, her tiny cradle cap tucked away in a baby book bursting at the seams with snapshots of her life without me. These are all I have of her.
Its hard for me to reconcile those memories with the beautiful woman I clung to last summer. Its hard for me to imagine that 18 years have passed by in the blink of an eye and that the birthday I have longed for for so many years has finally arrived.
I've changed so much from that girl I used to be then. So much has happened. So many days have passed without her. I grew up, as I watched her grow up from afar.
The passing years have added a little gray to my hair. They've added a few more pounds, a few more kids, a few more responsibilities. But those years without her have also shown me what I couldn't see in the beginning...that I was strong enough to wait.
She is always with me.....in the quiet hours of early morning, in the sparkle of her sister's smile, in the laughter, in the love we share...all these things exist because she does. All of these exist because she burns like a beacon in my heart, pushing me to let my light shine brighter, to dream bigger, to go further, to love deeper. And still, I miss her. With every beat of my heart.
I am me because of her. 

 I know full well how hard it can be to have a major part of your heart walking around in the world without you. But a mother's love is never ending. So I wait.
Happy birthday, angel of mine. I wish that I was able to wrap you in my arms this day. I wish that I was able to wake you in those quiet moments of morning at the moment you were born, simply to tell you that I love you and be the first to wish you a wonderful day. I miss you. Always.

All my love to you. May your day be every bit as beautiful and special as you are. Wish you were here......