“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”
~A.A. Milne, from "Winnie the Pooh"

Monday, July 23, 2012

Fear..and Other Stressors

I must admit it.
I have been a nervous wreck for weeks now.
Which is not something that my body particularly cares for. I get headaches. My stomach issues kick in. And quite frankly, I quickly become a big ole mess.
Its been an almost constant stream of go, go, go all summer and that trend will apparently be continuing for a couple more weeks, during a time when I really need to decompress and recharge my batteries for the coming onslaught called life with a baby, a teenager, and an in-betweener and the insanity that they call nursing school.

After orientation, I was terrified. Being greeted with the words, "Congrats.","Work your faces off", and "Kiss your social life and your family life goodbye for the next year. We're now your family."is a little scary, to say the least. Especially for a mom who has spent the last several years being a BIG part of her children's lives....from school programs, to doctor's appointments, to therapies, this mama has been there for pretty much every single big event that interrupts her kids' day to day routines. I've been there for every one of Liddy's major milestones (except a few that she showed off to Daddy first and they kept secret from me!). Its a real possibility that the thing we have strove for, that she spends hours of therapy learning to do..walk...is going to happen at some point in the next year when I'm not here..and just thinking about it breaks my heart even now.
I don't want to miss anything.

I want to be a nurse so bad...and it's something I want for the future of my family...but the reality has sunk in that this is the end of my being a stay at home mommy. And that's a pretty hard thing to swallow too, despite the fact that that has been the goal all along.
I guess I've just found myself wishing I was cloned so that I could do it all (anyone know of where I can get one of those?)

It took over a week to get a schedule. A week of checking every day in the hopes that it wouldn't be as bad as I expected, that I would finally have something in front of me which would allow me to make a plan. And eventually, I did. Its a relief. I've become an almost obsessive planner. Now I can make plans....
I can do this. I just needed a reminder, I guess. And today, every time Liddy snuggled in against my leg, every time she hugged me, every time she looked at me, I was reminded that there will always be time for cuddles (I should say that I will always make time for cuddles), she'll still greet me just as excitedly (maybe more so) as she has when I have only been gone 5 minutes, she'll still love me just as much, and that she thinks I really am SuperMom.
Its humbling. That adoration. That trust. That amazing love.
Her example is a big one to live up to. To be so brave, to be so strong, working her tail off to accomplish things that so many believe she can't or won't do, to do it all with such grace and such sheer joy. She sees what she wants and goes for it full tilt, with an impish flash of her gorgeous dimples.

She dances and she sings, and I find myself constantly singing and dancing too. She is completely indiscriminate about who or what she claps enthusiastically for...everything is an accomplishment that must be celebrated, and since hers always are, so are everyone else's.

  She conducts the bands we've been seeing play, mimicking the drum major's every hand movement.

 It steals my breath. Tends to captivate everyone else too.
And all of this got me to thinking...that I may not be SuperMom in reality...that I may miss a few things here and there (although I will still try not to)...that I may not be even remotely worthy at times of the superhero status she gives me...but it's worth a shot to live up to the person I see reflected when I look into her eyes.

I'm convinced it will all work out. We'll take it day by day. We'll do the best we can...and in the end, maybe I can be at least half of the superhero that she really is, as well as the one she thinks I am.


  1. This brought tears to my eyes. It is such a balance for us Mommies. Not wanting to miss every single milestone and moment of our kids lives. Needing to do something that fulfills us, personally. Making steps to provide for our families. I do the same. I have to work, and I love to work, but I also feel nauseous about being away from my kids too long. My answer was working from home- which some days might be the best of both worlds, but a lot of days is the worst of both worlds. I wish you well in your new journey and I have a feeling that even when you feel like you're failing across the board, your little sweetie will still see you as the center, and superhero of her world...

  2. I can empathize with you! I just finished 1st quarter nursing school (and have 3 kids) and I think they over-scared us at orientation to the point of taking away any excitement I had and replacing it with dread. It is what it is, many hours studying for hard tests, but it's doable and we'll be so proud when we're done! Good luck!


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