Destiny.

Dear Lydia,

Some call it destiny. Some fate. Some God's will. All three essentially mean the same thing. That for some reason, people were either in the right place at the right time, or in the wrong place at the wrong one.But, surprisingly, sometimes even that worse case scenario works out for the best.

Life never ceases to amaze me. How random events conspire together at times for a greater purpose. It's virtually mind boggling. 

There are stories of this all around us. The man who was introduced to his future wife at a party that he didn't even want to go to. Best friends who became that way way back in middle school simply because of the proximity of their lockers. The mothers who have found the children they didn't even know they were destined to have until they were facing their pictures on the computer screens in front of them. 

As someone who has always believed in "fate" these thousands of tales are not a surprise to me. 

Sometimes destiny has all of the finesse of a freight train. It comes out of no where and knocks you flat on your tail. While other times, it comes as subtly as gentle rain. A mere whisper, followed by the caress of raindrops on skin. 

One minute you are living your life; the next, everything changes. 

Sometimes those seemingly purposeless twists and turns being us to some place painful. We curse at God and wonder what we ever did to deserve all the anguish we are experiencing. And then, one day, maybe years later, it all becomes clear to us.

My life has never been one without more than it's share of heartache. It hasn't ever been easy. It seems at times that I bounce from one broken heart to the next.

But I can not, and would not, change a single decision, a single path, a single thing.

Fate has brought me here. With your daddy, Caleb, Ayden, and you. Without the tears I have cried, without the scars that my heart carries, without the fiery deaths of so many dreams, I would not be me. And I would not have you.

A trick of fate, which seemed like the end of my world, gave you an extra chromosome. But the bleak future I imagined for you all those months ago did not come to pass. You are not less because of Down's Syndrome. You are MORE.

You carry more strength. More determination. More beauty. More inner light. More smiles, giggles, and facial expressions. More love. More hope. More of Mommy's dreams. 

And by being you, you have made all of us more too. :)

 

Your amazing destiny awaits you, my lovely Bug. And you can bet your butt, I'm going to be right there beside you, cheering you on!

Loving you so much....

XOXOXO,

Mommy

Nearly 16 Years Go By......

Dearest Liddy,

I have been writing this post in my head for days now. I hope that I get everything I want to say exactly right.....

Next week, my first born will turn 16. It has been many long years since I have held her in my arms, even as I have carried her with me,where she belongs, in my heart, the entire time. I haven't held her in my arms since she was three days old. 

You see, I gave birth to your beautiful sister when I was just slightly older than she is now, at 17. And subsequently made the decision to let her go. She was adopted at 4 days old. I went into the hospital a mother to be and left it alone.

I left a huge part of my heart there in the West Boca Medical Center that day all those years ago. Easily the hardest decision I have ever made, and easily the hardest one to live with.

That choice, while the best one available to a scared teenager and her baby girl, almost killed me. But it is also one that I am most proud of. I wanted more for her than I had within my capabilities to provide. Did I love her? Oh, yes. More than I had ever loved anything or anyone before. That love is what gave me the courage to let her go.......

I have waited impatiently every year for a glimpse into the life that I had a hand in creating. I have counted the days, the weeks, the months and the years that brought me closer to the time when I could once again stare at that beautiful face in person. Hold her in my arms. Tell her that I love her. That not a day has gone by that she hasn't been in my thoughts, my prayers, my heart.

Three years later, when I found myself pregnant with Caleb, I vowed to myself, and to her, that things would be different. I would become someone that she would be proud to know, someone who took the opportunity given to her and made something of it. Because of her, I became the very best Mama that I had it within me to be to him. Because of her, I never took one second for granted. I was there for his first steps, his first words, every single moment that I had missed by not being Amanda's mommy.
After the first year of her life, I never doubted my decision.
Caleb has grown up his entire life surrounded by pictures of her, which hang on our walls, amid the photos of everyone else. He knows she is his sister. He knows that someday we will open the door to find her standing there.
That day is getting closer all the time.

In the beginning, the years crept by. It seemed that 18 years was forever. But now. Just two short years away. I hope that God gives me the perfect words to say to explain to her why I made the decision I did so many years ago and to make her understand how very much I have always loved her, and still do.

To tell her how much I have missed her.

You will always grow up knowing she is your sister, just as Caleb has. But my hope is that you will get the chance to have her be a part of your life that Caleb hasn't.  I hope and pray that she allows me to be her mother, even though I haven't earned the right to be her mom. I hope that she forgives everything I have missed. I hope someday she understands.

 I look at you and see so much of her. Your nose, your lips, your amazing smile. And I am awe inspired. How does one person get so lucky? How is one lowly sinner blessed enough to receive three completely undeserved gifts like I have been given?

Grace. God's amazing grace.

Happy birthday a little early, beautiful Amanda. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. And I love you more than you could ever know.......

I love you too, my precious Liddy Bug.
As always,
So very proud to be your mama.
XOXOXO,
Mommy

Appreciation for The Smallest Things...

Dear Liddy,

I find that as I grow older, I view life much differently than I did when I was younger. Every experience I have had in my 33 (almost 34!) years, good, bad, or ugly, has shaped my outlook and changed my feelings about the meaning of my life, and life in general. 

It would be easy, I suppose, to look around at the world today and be overwhelmed by the never ceasing stories of devastation, greed, and yes, even evil, that invade every minute of every news program. We have become a nation that eats up every nasty, sordid detail of the disasters that have made their way into our living rooms from every corner of the globe. Every where we turn, there is sadness, sickness, war, depravity, and hatred. We pray for an end to war, for peace. But it seems often hopeless that it will ever end as long as we, as humans, think that we are running things here on Earth. 

My heart is heavy. I hate to see any one else in pain. 

I don't understand God's master plan. I can't see His designs. I don't have all the answers (although I like to think sometimes that I do). I don't know why brave men and women (including Uncle Joe and your cousin Dane) have to fight far from their homes, their families. I don't understand why some of those brave men and women don't make it home. I don't understand why beautiful children, just like you, languish in orphanages and mental institutions, without mommies and daddies, sisters and brothers to love and care for them. I don't understand why children are abused and neglected. I don't know why precious babies have to go through what you have been through (and sometimes much worse). It all makes me immensely sad......

Even without any answers to the many questions which plague me, I know that there IS a master plan. There is a reason, as hard as it is to see, for all of the suffering in our world. 

I have watched cancer take ordinary people and make them beautiful, on the inside, where it matters most. I have been the recipient of loads of unconditional love, even when I deserved it least. I have stood in the darkest shadows, willingly, and God never failed once to protect me, love me, and "leave the light on" so that I could find my way back home. I have stood by your bedside, and have watched a true miracle emerge.

For every moment of sadness, there are countless moments of beauty. 

I want to raise you to look for the beauty in life. I want you to appreciate the fact that you exist, that you are loved, that you thrive amidst all the struggles around you. I want you to be thankful that there are men and women who are willing to lay down their lives for you to be free. I want you to look at the scar on your chest and see how absolutely amazing you are, in every way. That scar is something to be proud of, something to appreciate, and is, quite honestly, the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Because we live where we live, because there are doctors who have the skills needed, because we are free to make our own decisions, you are here. With a couple more scars, yes. But also with a new heart. 

I never found it necessary to fully appreciate the gift I had been given in having a healthy son. I took it completely for granted that that was how it was supposed to be. I never realized how truly blessed I was. 

I do now. And I am more blessed than ever.

Tonight, I am going to hug you and Caleb both a little tighter, tell you both how much I love you, and thank God (fervently!) for seeing fit to give me such amazing kids. Then I am going to pray that every person who reads these words does the same.

XOXOXO,

Mommy