“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”
~A.A. Milne, from "Winnie the Pooh"

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

I Love You Because You're You

We have a favorite book in this house....a sweet little book about a little fox and his mommy. I've read it at least a million times, so many that I know it by heart and even more impressive, Liddy knows it by heart as well. It's raggedy, the cover is peppered with teeth marks, the spine is falling apart. The signs of a well loved book. Nothing makes my heart happier than listening to her "read" it to herself, repeating "I lub you" over and over with each turn of the page. 
Since this little book is such a staple in our house, I thought I'd make a post of it in honor of it's biggest fan. :)
Enjoy.



I love you when you're happy and grinning ear to ear.


I love you when you're sleepy and want to snuggle near.


I love you when you're silly and dancing 'round and 'round.




I love you when you're frightened and hear a scary sound.


I love you when you're bashful and hide behind my knee.


I love you when you're brave and from my arms you flee.


I love you when you're curious and searching here and there..


I love you when you're proud, your head held high in the air.


I love you when you're sick and need to rest in bed.


I love you when you're frisky and standing on your head.


I  love you when you're sad and need a kiss and hug.


I love you when you're playful and rolling on the rug.


I love you when you're angry and cross your arms and pout.


I love you when you're wild and yell and scream and shout.


I love you any way you feel, no matter what you do.
I love you any way you are.
I love you because you're you.


~From "I Love You Because You're You" by Liza Baker

There is no doubt at all that I love this sweet and sassy almost three year old...no matter what she does...and no matter who she becomes. The sky is the limit and I have BIG dreams for her bright shiny future. 


Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The End of 2013

Tonight I sit here at the computer, all of my kids (except one) under my roof, and I think how very blessed I am. Life here is quite a bit like living in a crazy zoo and while our life is far from perfect (or even sane), I have to say that I love the crazy (although I do have my moments of reminiscing about a quiet, clean, yummy smelling house haha). I find that despite my grumblings I wouldn't trade this life for the other quieter, cleaner, and much saner one for anything in the world.
Amid my review of New Year's Eves past, I can't help but stop on one not so long ago...the last New Year's before life irrevocably changed for us.
Three years ago, we spent part of New Year's eve in the labor and delivery department of our local hospital, contracting, hoping against hope for the first baby of 2011. It was not to be. We got sent home to wait for our induction date three days later. Bummer. I can't help but remember that woman I used to be, so impatient, yet so truly afraid of the unknowns yet to come. I've come a long way from then.....and I have changed so much that the me of today barely recognizes that version of myself. And I can hardly believe the twists and turns my life has taken since the cold, snowy January day that she brought herself into my world.
2013 has been a wild one, with every bit of the roller coaster like ups and downs that we rode our way through in 2011. Soaring highs, crashing lows. But as I watch my daughter play, as I hear her sing, as I hug my too tall son and he rests his chin on the top of my head, as I watch the formerly scrawny, now chubby, baby sit on his own, smiling and laughing, I know that without a doubt, this year has been a year of immense blessings, of being greatly favored by God. I'm beyond grateful...and extremely humbled. So here you go...our year in review.....































Happy New Year from our family to yours! May you be every bit as blessed in the coming year as we have been, and continue to be. 
XOXOXOXO, 
Heidi

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

A Chance Encounter

Dear Sweet Mama,
As I was rushing through the grocery store today, harried, strapped for time, two babies in tow, I saw you pass by us more than once. I saw you staring at our cart out of the corner of my eye. And never thought a thing about it as I sped through the store, stacking groceries haphazardly around my three month old in the cart, trying to escape the store before one or the other of the under 3 crowd had a melt down. 
As I swung around a corner (just keep moving and the baby won't cry!), I heard a sweet voice say, "May I look at your baby?" "Sure," I replied, without thinking, moving groceries and myself so that you could catch a view of Levi in the overladen cart. "Oh no," you said," I meant your OTHER baby. I didn't even know he was in the cart" and you smiled, already making your way to my daughter's side. I felt myself tense up because my child, as sparkling as a butterfly from a distance is often not so sweet and generous when her space is invaded. 



However, you bent down to her level and gently asked her her name....to which she replied in Liddy speak "Diddy". You smiled and asked how old she was....(to which she replied 3, which might be a slight stretch!) You leaned forward, kissed her forehead, and then said to me, "Mine just turned 57." Suddenly, this time crunched mama, who had spent the last 20 minutes tearing through the aisles, felt like time stopped while I stood and chatted with you. You told me that your son has Alzheimers and when I apologized, you said, "It is what it is and I had 50 years of the greatest blessing before time started to take him away." I had a lump in my throat as I watched you continue to speak to Liddy, not as a stranger, but in a voice overflowing with love for a little girl who you don't know anything about except that she shares the same extra chromosome as your son. 


I watched, blinking back tears, as my precious girl reached up and gave you a hug, signing "I love you." And as you started to walk away, you reached up to the collar of your sweater and unpinned the angel you were wearing, gently pinning it to Liddy's t shirt. "An angel needs a guardian angel" you said as you walked away. 
I want to say thank you. Thank you for stepping in at exactly the right moment and reminding me that nothing is more important than right now and that these moments with my babies, as stressful as they might seem sometimes, are fleeting. Thank you for pouring your love out to my child, for talking TO her, not about her, for showing genuine appreciation for who she is. Thank you for your honesty, for not sugar coating your reality, but remaining serene about what I know must be excruciatingly painful to watch as a mother. Thank you for giving me a glimpse of the type of mother I want to be.....the type of mentor I aspire to be to others just starting out on this path some day. But most of all, thank you for taking the time to step up and say hello. I have had a few parents stop me while Liddy and I are out and about but this encounter with you truly touched my heart deeply. 


I may never see you again but the memories of that brief conversation will stay with me for a long, long time. 
We are family, you and I. Please know that you and your precious son are in my thoughts and prayers tonight....and that pin you gave my baby girl will be a treasure to us always.
Love,
Heidi




Friday, August 16, 2013

Another Birthday.....

I wake up every year on August 17th at precisely 1:37 am. I lie awake in the darkness and allow the sepia colored memories of that moment and the ones that followed to wash over me in waves. I miss her. Like a physical ache that never goes away.
For 18 years, I have clung to those too short moments, every second of those precious days etched perfectly in my heart. The smell of her head, the weight of her tiny body, the feel of her fist wrapped around my finger, her tiny cradle cap tucked away in a baby book bursting at the seams with snapshots of her life without me. These are all I have of her.
Its hard for me to reconcile those memories with the beautiful woman I clung to last summer. Its hard for me to imagine that 18 years have passed by in the blink of an eye and that the birthday I have longed for for so many years has finally arrived.
I've changed so much from that girl I used to be then. So much has happened. So many days have passed without her. I grew up, as I watched her grow up from afar.
The passing years have added a little gray to my hair. They've added a few more pounds, a few more kids, a few more responsibilities. But those years without her have also shown me what I couldn't see in the beginning...that I was strong enough to wait.
She is always with me.....in the quiet hours of early morning, in the sparkle of her sister's smile, in the laughter, in the love we share...all these things exist because she does. All of these exist because she burns like a beacon in my heart, pushing me to let my light shine brighter, to dream bigger, to go further, to love deeper. And still, I miss her. With every beat of my heart.
I am me because of her. 

 I know full well how hard it can be to have a major part of your heart walking around in the world without you. But a mother's love is never ending. So I wait.
Happy birthday, angel of mine. I wish that I was able to wrap you in my arms this day. I wish that I was able to wake you in those quiet moments of morning at the moment you were born, simply to tell you that I love you and be the first to wish you a wonderful day. I miss you. Always.

All my love to you. May your day be every bit as beautiful and special as you are. Wish you were here...... 


Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Gene Therapy and My Views on the Raging Debate.....

I try very hard to avoid the hot button topics here most of the time. After all, that doesn't necessarily fit in with the mission of this blog, which is really just to show what life as the parent of a child with Down syndrome is like and to occasionally work through my own thoughts and feelings, which I do best by writing them down.....However, there is a large controversy brewing within the Down syndrome community and since this subject is one that I have a lot of thoughts on, I thought I would put my two cents in.
Scientists at the University of Massachusetts Medical School have found a way to essentially "shut off" the extra 21st chromosome in petri dishes. I have friends within our Ds family who sit solidly on one side or the other, and while that's perfectly fine and dandy, I have watched in disappointment the same community who work so hard to combat ignorance and injustice fight amongst themselves and in some cases, treat each other with horrible disrespect. It saddens me. The entire thing saddens me.
I have my own opinions on the matter, of course, which I'll get to in due time. But I also have grave concerns about the motivations, long term effects, and consequences which come along with essentially "playing God" in a laboratory......

1) What are the long term effects that could come with negating the "positive effects" of a person's genetic makeup? I've heard the arguments about the stereotypes of people with Down syndrome being extra loving, extra happy, etc etc. I understand that with that extra chromosome comes higher chances of some pretty nasty stuff....delayed development,early death, respiratory , GI, and cardiac defects, leukemia, and early onset Alzheimer's. I understand the urge to eliminate the increased risks for these things. I truly do. Especially considering that these are issues that we may have to face at sometime in our future (and are already dealing with cardiac defects). Yet I think that we also can not forget that there are some positives as well, including a greatly decreased risk of other types of cancer, a higher remission rate in kids with Ds who have fought leukemia, and a decreased risk of complications that come from diabetes and high blood pressure. These are things that aren't fully understood but which are directly linked to the extra chromosome and which I feel strongly were they studied could lead to breakthroughs in the treatment of the general population who face these problems. So my question is this: Instead of shutting off the extra chromosome all together, why aren't we pushing as a community to put those researchers to work eliminating the "side effects" rather than the syndrome itself?

2) What are the consequences of messing with the genetic makeup of an individual? How much of a person's personality is formed from an early age by the challenges they face? How much effect does Ds actually have on the individual characteristics our kids have? Will shutting off the extra chromosome in utero eliminate the physical characteristics that go hand in hand with Ds? Essentially, I wonder who our kids would be without that little extra....would they be the same or would they be profoundly different children? I feel strongly that we are all shaped by our experiences from an early age. I know that my parents' divorce when I was 6 years old was a contributing factor to the person I am today, as were all the other challenges I have faced in my almost 36 years on Earth. I am not the same person with the exact same beliefs and personality traits that I had even 3 years ago. Yes, essentially there is some part of me that is the same as that little 6 year old girl I used to be, formed by my own genetic makeup. However, so many parts of me are profoundly different, which makes me sincerely wonder who my daughter would be even now had she not faced open heart surgery, had she not had to fight so hard for her life, and had she not had to work so hard to meet developmental milestones. Would she be the same girl? I really don't know.....

3) The question that bothers me the most. The one that is the crux of my fears about this potential therapy....What is truly the motivation behind this research in the first place? Is it truly an attempt to help kids with Down syndrome or is it simply one more way to eliminate it? I fear its end result is elimination. And that's the saddest part for me. I understand a parent's motivation to support and seek out this therapy for their child when it becomes available....I understand that we all do what we feel is best for our kids....and I understand fully the wish that, as a parent, you never had to watch your child struggle. But I know parents who are appalled by the high abortion rates for fetuses diagnosed prenatally with Ds who will do whatever is in their power to turn that extra chromosome off completely. And I think that quite honestly, had something like this been available when I was pregnant with Liddy, before we fully understood what Down syndrome would mean in our lives, we, who were so solidly against having an abortion regardless, would have probably jumped on the chance to never find out what it would mean for us. And really, just as with an ever increasing abortion rate, Down syndrome won't be eliminated. Kids with Down syndrome will. In my opinion, that's a travesty in itself.....

As for my opinion, I'm sure that it's already at least partially clear at this point. Maybe I'll be considered selfish, maybe there will be some who believe that I am a bad parent for my thoughts, for my refusal to change my daughter. I really don't care what the opinions of any one else are about me...the only ones that matter are those of my family and we all love Liddy exactly as she is  (that's not to say that parents who would choose the opposite love their kids any less btw...so no hate mail please!).


Being Liddy's mom has changed me. And quite honestly, I could have never imagined being so head over heels in love with every bit of someone as I am with her. She is an ever changing kaleidoscope of personality...one minute the sweetest girl you've ever seen, the next a raging wild cat....one second good as gold, the next full of every bit of two year old naughtiness she can muster. The most amazing thing about her is that two and a half years later, I am every bit as fascinated by her as I was the first day she was placed in my arms. She is smart, she is hysterically funny, she is the hardest, most determined little worker I know. And while on one hand, I would love for her to never have to struggle to overcome the challenges Down syndrome has brought to her life, on the other, I wonder if she'd still be the same child I love so much if she had never had to face any of them.



I know for a fact that I would desperately miss her sparkly almond shaped eyes and her tiny crooked pinkies. I simply can't imagine how horrible it would be to look at the face of the beautiful girl I love so much and know that some piece of her, some vital part that makes her in any way the girl she is, is gone.
Is she who she is because she has Down syndrome or is she who she is because that's just who she would be irregardless? I really can't say for sure. But what I can say without a single qualm is that I never want to find out.
She isn't Down syndrome. She's so much more than a useless label, so much more than a stereotypical ideal. But in my eyes, Down syndrome IS a part of who she is and that is someone I love with every ounce of my being.


Would I change her if I could? No way. Our lives are richer because she exists, exactly as she is, extra chromosome and all.......